My Life's Story...

I am a typical 20 year-old-male that has been through the “teen-age” and have submerge into the world of the adults. This is my story...

When I was young, songs that I hear on the radio sometimes sound so real that it freaks me. And I begin to wonder if the radio is talking to me or not, or does the artist who wrote this song already knew what I was going through and wrote the lyrics specially for me? During these times, memories from the past will clutter my mind. This is when I seek distractions, anything at all to make me not think about the real world. Computer games, drinking, smoking and others are what I did to push aside these emotions like jealousy, depression and anger, which seem totally unavoidable. My parents wonder why I do these things, but in reality, I am just a reflection of who they are. I see in myself, some part of me is gradually growing into what my parents are today. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, the fear of what I will become just keeps getting worst.

Why are these things happening to me? Why not him? Or her? They seem really happy! These other people I see walking in the malls, hand in hand with their love ones. Why are they so happy when all of us are going to die in the end anyway? What are they trying to accomplish? What gives them the enthusiasm that they have? Is it because they are Christians? Christians always seem really happy. They always have these church camps that they participate and I see all these happy faces in the pictures. Why wasn’t I born a Christian? These were the questions I used asked God everyday. These are the times I begin to open my bible, trying to understand what is in there that made Christian’s life so much easier than the rest. I was born a Buddhist. And I envied the Christians ever since I heard their laughter and the music they played during a Christian Fellowship (CF) meeting at my secondary school. I tried to be one of them; I tried asking them if I could come for their meetings. None of them sincerely welcomed me.

A Buddhist I was fated to be, a Buddhist without a goal. I totally had no idea what being a Buddhist was all about. I see my mom bow before the Buddha. I totally didn’t know what that was for but I followed. My mom goes to the temples every now and then to pray. I really didn’t know how the heck that would make her happy. Until one fine day, my parents did something new. They went for a Vipassana course (Insight meditation).

When they came back, they taught me a little about what being a Buddhist is truly about. The first thing I learnt is that there is no such thing as being a Buddhist because Buddhism is not a religion. It is a way of life. I can be a Christian while practicing Buddhism. In the Buddist scriptures, they also explain how one would go to haven if one does good deeds; if one does bad things in his life, he would go to hell. This comforted me a lot for I do believe God exist. But Buddhism doesn’t mention just about one God, they believe there are many Gods; guarding many other planes of existence. These “other beings” that live in different planes of existence sometimes come in contact with us. Maybe these are the Angels and Holy Ghosts, or the Devil and Demons that the Holy Bible tells us about. But Buddhists believe that there is a higher goal than just going to haven after they die. Their ultimate goal is reaching a state called Nirvana, a path of no return.

In year 2004, I went to the same course my parents attended. This first course meant nothing to me because the only reason that I went is because my parents would not let me have a driving license until I sat for a Vipassana course. So, during the course, I slept as much as I could (the fastest way to make time fly), I ate as much as I could (because I was bored) and I did many other stupid things. After that 11 days, I went took my driving test and I got my license.

I enjoyed my new found freedom after I got my car license. Even though I was driving a really old red Daihatsu Charade with manual transmission AND non-powered steering wheel with fading colours, I was happy. I didn’t need to bother about scratching my car, losing my car or anything of that sort. I was wild and took the car everywhere I could. Going to friends house as often as I can, driving all the way to Segambut to play futsal, then to Old Klang Road to play in Cyber Cafes.

My parents practically lost both their sons. One’s in US, the other is never seen at home. I would only come home to eat, sleep and go on the computer. I didn’t want to talk to my parents because the first words of their sentences would be either “Ning Jia, go to sleep.” or “Ning Jia, have you bathed?” I found it so annoying that I would avoid them when ever I can.

Then came 2005, I had many changes in myself. Not only me, but my entire family totally changed. We really went through MANY thick-and-thins but in the end, we survived. And I totally agree with the saying, “what don’t kill us makes us stronger”. Our family bonds strengthened and the trust we have for each other is something I never knew possible. My parents now have total confidence on what I can do and they don’t worry about me anymore. I can do whatever I want! My parents stop arguing with each other and my house now is a place I would finally call home.

2006 till now: we maintained our bonds with each other. But sometimes, not matter how hard we try not to say things that would hurt each other; we would still say sarcastic things about each other. However, we have learned to tolerate it. As long as we don’t react to things that are unpleasant, the fire would burn out eventually.

Only after these 20 years, I found peace within myself and my family. This path that I am on is so clear, that I don’t need to worry about anything at all. I am doubtless of where I am going and have no need of worrying if I get lost. All I need to do is just walk, and while walking, I enjoy the scenery: the birds singing and the beautiful shade that the trees give me. I don’t need to worry about cross roads because there are none. I don’t even need to rush because I know whatever I seek will always be there. With this thought in mind, I will have the patience, tolerance and wisdom necessary to lead a happy life.