Thursday, November 29, 2007
Guang Zhou Trip
On the first day of my arrival, he took me in a bus to a huge convention center. Only then I knew that I was supposed to help him source for suppliers for some products for his company. There were at least 15,000 people and over 5,000 booths in the convention center. It was divided into several sections: home equipment, machinery, hardware, heavy equipment and others. As we walked from booth to booth, I realised the myth that “China’s products has low quality” has expired. The finishing for chinese products was above my father’s and my expectations.
When my dad saw something interesting, he would ask me to ask the exhibitor for a catalogue. Then, I would help him ask the exhibitor for the price and other details. This was hard because my mandarin isn’t perfect and there were many hardware terms I had never heard of. Luckily, the exhibitor was smart enough and tried other ways to explain to me by using alternative mandarin words and showing me the catalogue. Only then I understood what he was trying to say.
Most of the exhibitors are manufacturers with a minimum order quantity of 3000. This doesn’t favour the Malaysian market. If we ever brought in such a huge amount of products, it would take us more than a year to clear the stock! Some smaller companies had more flexible conditions since they do not mass produce. However, it was hard communicating with some of them because they spoke Cantonese. Moreover, my dad kept interrupting the exhibitor and me when he thought I was translating something wrong. That was really annoying. For example, he will tell me to ask the exhibitor about the condenser in a refrigerator unit. As I was searching for the right words, he kept pointing at the exterior of the condenser (in the refrigerator). Obviously the exhibitor did not know what he was talking about, because my dad looked like he was just pointing at the base of the refrigerator.
This trip taught me to be patient with my dad. After all, he IS my employer and I am getting paid for this. “China is going to be a strong economic soon.” That is what my dad always said. This quote means more to me after this trip to Guang Zhou because I have experienced it myself. On the last day, the accumulated amount of samples and catalogues we brought back weighed more than half of our total baggage. Only then did I realise what that huge bag was for.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Malaysian Institute of Baking (MIB) Baking Course
http://www.mib.edu.my/v2/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=98&Itemid=97
Objective:
To have a better understanding of pastry ingredients
Table of Contents:
1. Introduction
2. Breads
2.1 Tin Bread
2.2 Health Breads
2.3 Buns
2.4 Danish Pastries
2.5 Specialty Breads
3. Pastries
3.1 Oriental Pastries
3.2 Puff Pastries
3.3 Cream Puffs
3.4 Pies
3.5 Tarts
3.6 Cookies
4. Cakes
4.1 Butter Cakes
4.2 Sponge Cakes
4.3 Fruit Cakes
4.4 Continental Cakes
4.5 Cheese Cakes
4.6 Muffins
Synopsis/Executive Summary
The course was 2 months long, comprising 25 classes at the Malaysian Institute of Baking. Classes were held 3 times a week on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday; from
1. Introduction
Classes were divided into 3 modules: breads, pastries and cakes. The course started with the bread module and ended with the cake module. The level of difficulty increased as I moved on to the next module. There were approximately 10 groups in the class. Each group had 4 members that were lead by a senior member of the institute. The leader’s responsibilities were to demonstrate certain complicated baking processes and guide me while I replicate the process. If I make mistakes or errors, she will show me how to fix it. Before each class, I must wear my uniform which includes an apron and a cap. Also, I have to wash my hands with soap and dry them. Notes that are used for the whole module are given out before hand. These notes are important as they consist of recipes and instructions that are to be followed throughout the course.
2. Breads
For this module, I was taught the basics of bread making. Generally, the first step is to mix the ingredients using an electric mixer with a dough hook. After the dough is fully formed, it is left on the table to rise for a period of time. The bread making module is basically divided into 5 sections: Tin breads, health breads, buns, Danish pastries and specialty breads.
2.1 Tin Breads
Most tin breads are put into tins before they are baked in an oven. These are the most common breads seen on breakfast tables.
2.2 Health Breads
Health breads are preferred by some because they are the only breads that are steam-baked.
2.3 Buns
All buns have various fillings that are wrapped in before they are baked. They have a wide range of shapes.
2.4 Danish Pastries
Danish pastries have only 2 designs: croissant and Danish. However, they can have different fillings.
2.5 Specialty Breads
This section has a wide variety of breads. For example, brioche, pretzel, and cinnamon roll.
3. Pastries
For this module, I learned the practical use of any of the company’s products like sodium benzoate, vanilla beans and shortening. This module is the most complicated due to its complexity and a high reliance on written and verbal guides. It is also very diverse in terms of process and products.
3.1 Oriental Pastries
Moon cakes and kaya kok are traditional oriental pastries.
3.2 Puff Pastries
Puff pastries do not use yeast or other common methods to raise the flour. Instead, it uses a special technique which involves steam and fat.
3.3 Cream Puffs
Cream puffs are sweet, puffy and light. They consist mainly of cream.
3.4 Pies
Pies are categoried into 2 types: sweet and savoury. Pies have a nice crust with fillings like baked apple or chicken.
3.5 Tarts
Tarts are small and bite-sized; they are sweet and moist.
3.6 Cookies
Cookies are sweet and crunchy.
4. Cakes
For this module, I learned that there are 2 basic methods for all cakes: flour batter method and sugar batter method. For the first method, egg, sugar, dextrose and emulsifier are whisked first. This is called the sponge. It is then placed into a bowl. The flour and fat mixture is then prepared. The sponge will be slowly blended into the flour and fat mixture to ensure that its texture is smooth. For the second method, the wet ingredients like egg, margarine and butter are mixed first. Then the dry ingredients are added. This method is much simpler. But the 2 methods give a different kind of texture to the finished product.
4.1 Butter Cakes
Butter cakes have 15-20% of fat. They are moist and light. They are also the easiest cakes to make.
4.2 Sponge Cakes
Sponge cakes are very light. They are whisked for a longer time to beat more air into the sponge.
4.3 Fruit Cakes
The taste of fruit cakes are entirely up to the chef. There are many fruits that taste good when added into a cake, for example, cherries, raisins and orange peels.
4.4 Continental Cakes
Continental cakes have around 3 layers. Depending on what is the theme of the cake, cream, fruits, chocolate and other ingredients can be inserted in between the layers. A lot of cream is also used to decorate the cake alongside with cherries, nuts, canned fruits and chocolate. These cakes can also be custom designed for customers.
4.5 Cheese Cakes
Cheese cakes have more than 30% cheese. There are 2 types of cheese cakes, baked and non-baked.
4.6 Muffins
Muffins are like mini cakes poured into muffin trays. They are tasty and sweet. Ingredients like chocolate chips, blueberries, raisins and almond can be added to the mix.
4. Conclusion
The course gave me a hands-on way opportunity to learn about the company’s products. I would suggest that all marketing executives take this course before meeting customers because it would prepare them to answer questions that are not in leaflets or broaches.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Here I Lie...
Awaken from the lies
Awaken from the dream
That trapped myself within
The endless dream of life,
The endless tunnel of darkness
Yet I thought there was light
A light thought to be divine
I never cared who lit it
I never cared to maintained it
Until I was hit from something
That jerked me from behind
I turned around and back
The light was suddenly gone
I stood up for the first time in years
In years that seemed in decades
Around I looked
Around I stared
I got back down
Watching in despair
The light had no beginning
The light had no source
The light had no substance
The light could have never been there
The light was in my head
The light was in my mind
Made me think I was safe
Made me think I was fine
Now I stand up looking
Walking to explore
Wondering what made me sit down
And imagine that little light
I couldn’t remember how
Or why I end up there
But here I am right now
That’s what matters today
What had hit me from behind?
A friend whom I just left behind
Putting on her a tag
“Failure without hope”
You may ask me why
That I cannot say
For word cannot explain
What had happened that time
The story ends like this
With just a little twist
We may not ever talk again
That girl I’ll never miss
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
911
How did such an engineering marvel fall into dust just because a plane crashed into it? There were many theories to how it happened but only one was supported by the American Government. When the plane flew right into the tower, it crashed right into the core of the structure. The jet fuel then spread all over the inner structure, igniting a few floors simultaneously. After that, the fire continued to burn for one to two hours reaching more than 1000°C, enough to weaken the steel columns that held one floor above the other. When the columns gave way, the floors buckled up and crashed down creating a chain effect. This was how the skyscraper fell to dust.
Alternatively, around 25% of the Americans believe that mere fire from a jet fuel is not enough to bring the World Trade Center towers down. Steven E. Jones, a physicist at Brigham Young University, argued that a building will never collapse vertically downwards without demolition charges. After studying the video which recorded the collapse of the World Trade Center towers, analysers found a few mini explosions coming out of the tower windows just below the floors that are crashing down. There was no reason for such explosions because no gas or any other flammable materials was allowed up the towers. With that, many people accused the American Government for not telling them the true story.
The effects of this event were devastating. Out of the thousands who were in the World Trade Center towers that day, hardly 20 people escaped before the tower collapsed. Those who were trapped in the upper floors above the fire were dying from the smoke and heat. As many as 200 didn’t want to suffer a painful deaths from the fire and smoke, they rather commit suicide by jumping down the World Trade Center towers. 400 brave rescue workers who went in the towers never came back out again. The office buildings around the towers were badly damaged by the rumbles of the towers. Many schools and office buildings were closed down for the day. Some schools even stopped the children from watching the news because many of them had parents who worked in the World Trade Center towers. Many memorials were constructed around the world in memory of the brave souls who went in to the towers to save people but never returned. In addition to that, some set up funds to help those who became orphans and those who had no other source of income other than their husband or wife who died in that tragic event.
Even after months of that event, the effects rippled across the entire world affecting all countries’ economy. Many airports had their profits cut down drastically; tourist areas like Disney Land were almost empty because people were afraid of another attack. The share market dropped a few folds, causing many to lose their life savings. In fear of the banks getting bomb, many withdrew their money from their banks causing the banks to go empty. Everywhere around the world, bomb treats made many office building workers to evacuate. For example someone send a bomb treat to the IBM building in Taman Tun Dr. Ismail and forced everyone in that worked in that building to have a unofficial holiday. The relationship between Muslims and non-Muslims became worst. People avoided Muslims fearing them to have a link with the terrorist. Some Muslims were even beaten up by angry non-Muslims who accused them for terrorism. And the worst was just hardly after a month, the United States of America declared war on Afghanistan. Thousands of American soldiers were sent there to fight “for their country” far away from their country. The citizens hated the foreigners and suicide bombers blasted many of the army camps there. During the war, every now and then there will be news on how many were killed by bombs. How bout those not mentioned? Nobody knows what else happened there.
What’s going on in the world today? A war became an answer to the September 11th attack? Almost 3000 people died on that day, isn’t that enough? The blame was put on Osama bin Laden, one person, just one person. And because of that one person, they attacked the entire nation looking for that one person. Even after one whole year of bombing caves after caves in search of Osama bin Laden, they still weren’t satisfied. We were taught not to hold grudges. But the whole American Government spent more time and money to look for that one person who was accused of the September 11th attack instead of channeling those funds to help the victims.
Dragon Ball and Sailor Moon!
All anime has a main character that is unique. The hero in Dragon Ball is a boy named Son Goku. He is special because he has a tail of a monkey. He is cute but has a limited vocabulary because he grew up in the wild. Since he is from the wild, where did he get his Kung Fu outfit that he always wears? Unlike Dragon Ball, the heroine in Sailor Moon is a teenage girl named Usagi Tsukino. She has a slim body, long beautiful golden hair and a pair of huge eyes that takes up almost half her face. When in battle mod, she wears a Japanese high school uniform with a ribbon in the middle and a pair of white gloves and red boots. She is also equipped with a golden tiara and a pair of large red hair pins.
Even though they both are defenders of the weak, they do it in very different ways. For example, Son Goku increases his physical strength by training in order to beat his opponents down. He can also shoot a beam of energy from his palms at his enemy. In addition, Son Goku possesses a magical stick which can extend to whatever length according to his will. He also has a piece of mini cloud that he rides on. But he mainly uses his fist to teach his opponents a lesson. In contrast, Usagi Tsukino uses magical items to attack her opponents while standing pretty far away from them. For example, she will use her wand to shoot a beam of light towards her enemy. Sometimes she even uses her hair pins as projectile weapons. And the funniest thing is that she uses her make up kit to transform into her battle mode.
Despite them having super powers, Son Goku and Usagi Tsukino lead a normal life too. Thus, they also have normal problems. For example, Son Goku later got married and had a wife that he was afraid of. One time, he wanted to bring his son to help battle an enemy but his wife scolded him and said his son’s education is more important than saving the world. He then had to escape before his wife “slaughtered” him. One the other hand, Usagi Tsukino has a personality of a typical teenage girl. But she is lazy and has academic problems; she gets pretty low grades in her exams. However, she still is a happy girl who enjoys shopping and dressing up. She is afraid of dentists and ghost, but when it comes to fighting, she is serious and will not show mercy towards her enemies.
These two distinctive characters are obviously very different in many ways. But to gain popularity, these characters were created with a lot of humor. These Japanese anime were published so many years ago yet they are still remembered till this day. If you search them up the internet, you will find fan sites dedicated to Dragon Ball and Sailor Moon. They achieved cult status because they were one of the pioneers of today’s anime.
Saturday, June 09, 2007
D Car
Who’s Ninja? He is the one who roams the world between different dimensions, seeking truths about facts that are beyond the understanding of other beings that lack the abilities Ninja has. (Well, dimensions here I mean places like Petaling Jaya and Sungai Buloh. Facts here I mean things he learns in college. Other beings I mean animals.)
What’s a Daihatsu? "Daihatsu" is a combination of the first Japanese character for Osaka and the first of the word "engine manufacture"; when put together they are pronounced "dai hatsu". It’s small, light, with a trendy aero back which allows it to maneuver between cars with great flexibility and finesse.
These two were destined to meet. The heavens itself planned their congregation. The mist that blinds many other beings from the ultimate goal of life was then lifted. Ninja was free to see into the beyond and the Daihatsu could take him there.
Many could not understand why Ninja had such a sacred bond with his red Daihatsu. It looked old, rusted and incapable of guaranteeing the safety of its passengers. But they are fooled by the car’s disguise. “Kami” (Japanese ancient spirits) of transporters could tell that this is no ordinary old car, but an avatar of freedom which breaks the shackles of seclusion.
Ninja’s mother became insignificant because he did not need to rely on her to take him around. Ninja’s friends grew closer, because many of them did not have a car and they always enjoyed the ride in Ninja’s Daihatsu. Ninja’s happiness was well enhanced.
There were a few tricks Ninja could do with his red Daihatsu because it was a manual with an Un-powered steering wheel. He could screech his tires, he could make the passengers feel like they’re riding a horse and some other little tricks many others could not do with automatic cars.
He was also generous with his vehicle. He always offered to take some of his friends home even though most of the time it is out of the way. Between classes, he would bring a few of his friends to go catch a movie at the cinema nearby. During scouts gatherings he would help buy some supplies and transport it to the gatherings. A few times he fetched his date in his car to shopping malls where they had dinner.
Two years later, Ninja’s father bought a new BMW and there were now 4 cars in the house. There was no place for the Daihatsu anymore, so his father sold the car. His father then let Ninja use his older BMW to drive to work. It was nothing like his good old red Daihatsu.
Ninja and his red Daihatsu were still linked by wonderful memories of the good times they had together although someone else owns the red Daihatsu now: The times he drove on an empty highway up to almost 140km/hour; the times he took up to seven people in the car; the times he took his girlfriend out for many a memorable date. These will stay with him forever no matter what other cars he drives today.
The red Daihatsu was 17 years old when it came to the possession of Ninja. The only new thing in it was its engine; it was only 5 years old. The radio was not working, the speakers were broken. So Ninja took it to the car accessory shop and got a new radio and a set of modern looking speakers for his Daihatsu.
He was really happy with the new toys the car had. Even though it was a gloomy day with rain drops flowing down on the windscreen and the wiper cleaning it every few seconds. The traffic back to his house was heavy. Ninja took advantage of jam to set his favorite stations on his radio. Suddenly he felt a bump, he looked up and realised that he had knocked the car in front of him.
That was his first accident. The driver of the car in front got down his car and so did Ninja. They both inspected their cars, Ninja’s car was fine, but the bumper of the car in front was broken.
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Mother
You said all you wanted was for me to be better.
I do understand how you feel,
For pass few years I’ve been
Not too nice to you.
I was young, stupid and proud,
Not knowing the world is misty
Hiding the dangers within
That my eyes could never have seen.
And now I finally realized,
How much you guided me
Through that mist of life.
Supporting me from behind,
Protecting me from being harmed.
One day I decided to look back a little,
And saw you there behind me.
Can’t believe you have always been there,
Even after countless times
The times I push you far away,
The times I poked you with sharp sticks,
Treating you like a torn in my flesh,
But you’ve always returned to me.
Always close to me,
Always loving me.
Afraid
I'm afraid the time hasn't come yet...
I'm afraid you will not have enough time...
I'm afraid you will be too busy, soon...
I’m afraid our parents will deny us...
I’m afraid you have someone else...
I’m afraid I’ll be leaving too soon...
I’m afraid we don’t really match...
I’m afraid I’ll get hurt again...
I’m afraid I’m not good enough...
I’m afraid you think you’re too young...
I’m afraid of my past memories...
I’m afraid that this is out of my reach...
I’m afraid that it won’t work out...
I’m afraid of many things...
But I push them all away,
And just say that I love you....
I ran out of ideas for the Prince
"The Wall"
You told me there was a wall, but I mistook it as a door.
I was too far back then, to see that stupid wall.
I thought you couldn’t see me too that’s why I walked closer.
But as I came closer, I got too excited.
I decided to run, giving in to temptation.
I thought things will change, as I got nearer.
I thought the door would open soon, but there was never a door.
Just when I was an inch a way, I opened my eyes a little wider.
That’s when I realise, the door was never there.
The wall was always a wall, it shut her in and kept me out...
Tripped
It’s not something I wanted, for it’s been far too long...
Forgotten how to control it, I’m rolling down a hill...
It’s not something I wanted, for it’s far too complicated...
I see a future so bright, I’m like a morph to a flame...
It’s not something I wanted, I hate losing control...
Will the flame get blown away, by a subtle yet deadly breeze?
It’s not something I wanted, I don’t want to grief again...
But yet nothing I can do, but to just hope for the best...
It’s not something I wanted, oh god please guide me through...
Sorry for not writing...
Here's a poem for him...
Death
They say life is like a candle lit,
It goes out at the slightest wind.
But I think that’s not true a bit,
Even after the flame has dimmed.
I believe the fire never goes out,
After death has come about.
Instead it goes to another place,
To forever burn and be at peace.
It goes to the place that rain can’t touch,
The place where winds don’t matter much,
A place so high up in the sky,
A place where only angels fly.
After death, we do not die,
Because up there in darkened sky,
A candle flame becomes star-bright,
It’ll shine forever an immortal light.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
The Prince
King Mathara had an elder son back then. His name was Gathan. He was tall and strong, trained by the best general in the country. The king was very proud of Gathan and would always bring him along during hunting trips.
Gathan commanded his country’s army during the war. The war went on for many months. Prince Gathan’s army was smaller than the enemy’s, but he trained his soldiers about the importance of teamwork and battle tactics. Their small number didn’t seem to matter at all as they fought vigilantly.
Five months into the war, Prince Gathan developed a new strategy. He would deceive the enemy by baiting them into his trap while pretending to retreat. While the enemy thought they had won the battle, he would lead two groups of his best soldiers to attack from behind.
He went through this strategy with his army many times making sure they understood each of their roles. When he assured them this would end the war, his whole army roared with enthusiasm.
The next day arrived. Prince Gathan arranged for the “retreating” soldiers to ride the fastest horses they had. Prince Gathan also ordered his soldiers to cut some bushes and tied them up in a bundle. Two groups of his best soldiers would be hiding behind these “bushes” waiting for the enemy to take the bait.
Sure enough, the enemy was so excited thinking that they had won the war that they didn’t even bother keeping in line and rushed out chasing the “retreating” soldiers. Prince Gathan and his army waited patiently for the right moment to spring their attack.
When Prince Gathan was ready to give the signal to charge in, suddenly the soldiers started screaming for help! Prince Gathan turned around and to his horror, he saw his soldiers being slaughtered by the enemy!
Prince Gathan tried to regain control of his troops but they were in shock and ran about like wild animals. Even though he fought as bravly as he could but without his troops, even a hero will fall.
They were betrayed by a traitor who valued bribes more than loyalty. He was the one who leaked precious information about their strategy. Thus, the war was lost.
The Prince
Once, there was a prince named Vidaya. He indulged himself with all kinds of rich food. But after every meal, he would complain about how bad the food was. The king and queen thought that maybe he was lonely. So they invited many princesses from other countries over, hoping that after he found his true love, he would change for the better. But the prince rejected them all. Every night Prince Vidaya would drink many bottles of wine and liquor till he was very drunk.
The king was old and wise. His name was Mathara. He was the first king who actually patrolled his own country to make sure there was minimal crime. The queen’s name was Minathire. The queen was from a village not too far away from the palace.
When she was younger, she used to entertain people from her village by performing magic tricks. She would make huge elephants disappear and would blow big fire out of her mouth. Some say she is a sorcerer. When king Mathara was still a prince, he would watch her perform every week. Years later, the king finally married her.
The king was a good king who was respected by everyone except his son, Prince Vidaya. But things weren’t always like that. There was a time when there was peace and harmony in the palace; a time when everyone would ride horses in the palace park; a time when Prince Vidaya was a happy boy. But it ended when the country went to war; a war which happened ten years ago.
The war happened because of something really small. Prince Vidaya and the neighbouring country’s prince were playing a game. Suddenly, the latter accused Prince Vidaya of cheating but Prince Vidaya denied it.
The king of the other country loved his son so much that he threatened war with King Mathara if Prince Vidaya would not admit he cheated. Prince Vidaya was young back then and kept denying he cheated which, in truth, he did. King Mathara and Queen Minathire tried to persuade him to tell the truth but he was as stubborn as a mule.
So, in the end, war was declared.
You came, you go...
Our path crossed, just like how it always does.
And we moved on, just like what was destined.
People come and go; it’s something really normal.
Sometimes stopping and waving, and we’ll return a smile.
But after they have gone, the prints are left behind.
Some leave hidden prints, which are never seen.
Some leave fading prints, which are washed away.
Some carve in their prints, deep into our heart.
I look at all these prints. It do not give good memories.
But as I look closer, they look like scars of battles.
Battles that are fought, deep within me.
Battles that are fought, even when I sleep.
I try to rub the scars off, but it refuses to go.
I try to scratch it off, but it only grows.
I guess its there to remind me,
The past is always real.
No matter how I hide it,
No matter how I sew it in.
Memories of the past,
I shall accept you now.
Denying you, is useless,
Thus, learning from you I shall.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Love Experience
Read Slowly...
Have you ever wondered which hurts the most?
Saying something and wishing you hadn't?, or
Saying nothing and wishing you had?
I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. Don’t be afraid to tell someone you love them.
If you do, they might break your heart...if you don't, you might break theirs.
Have u ever decided not 2 become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person?
Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't.
You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own...when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to.
Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you?
Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all.
Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?
We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.
But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger.
Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump.
Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had.
* What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say good-bye?
*What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there?
*What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt? (even if you don't care about him anymore)
*What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them?
*What would you do if you never got the chance to say I am friends with all of my family and they know I love them?*
People live, but people die. I want to tell you that you are a friend.
If you died tomorrow (God Forbid)
you would be in my heart.
But would I be in yours?
You might be best friends one year, pretty good friends the next year, don't talk that often the next, and don't want to talk at all the year after that.
So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life.
I look up to you, respect you, truly cherish you , and most of all I CARE about you because you are my true friend.
Remember, everyone needs a friend. Someday you might feel like you have NO FRIENDS at all, when that day comes, please remember me and take comfort in knowing I will always care about you. All you have to do, is just give me a call, and I will do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING to make you happy again...
Monday, March 12, 2007
Liars and Lies...
“Honesty is the best policy”
How many times have you heard of this quote? How many times have you said something untrue just to get away from something? We can hardly remember how many times we lied and more importantly, how many of those lies were to ourselves.
A girl in the movie “The Departed” said lying is necessary to balance the scale in which a relationship is at stake. Do you believe in that? I personally don't, because I believe that a relationship should be transparent, that is of course if you wanted the relationship to last in the first place. Actually, it’s not just couples who lie; businessman also claim lying is totally unavoidable. But is that really true? Are we all damned to commit such sins?
I personally was a devil myself back in secondary school; I lied at every juncture I could. I was an intelligent kid who was able to monitor most of my lies well enough to make me feel good about it. But as the Chinese say, “paper can’t hold fire”, slowly, I started to lose control of situations.
All the lies were draining my strength away but I did not realize it. I didn’t know why I was so exhausted. I thought I was just getting old. But no, when your mind is not at peace, you will be drained mentally whether you are aware of it or not. I slowly went into a depression. I started to sleep a lot but I was still tired. I got easily agitated by really small things. I hated my life and blamed everyone around me for my miseries. Finally, I decided that I was on my own in this whole wide world; which made my situation even worst.
Only much later, I knew I was ill. I told my parents that but my parents didn’t take it seriously. They thought it was just another phase I was going through. Yes, they were right, but this phase was more critical. I went to speak with the psychologist in my college who wasn’t helpful at all.
I was suffering the consequences of my sins. Everyday was hell for me; I wanted to die. I thought of ridiculous fantasies. Not about girls or whatsoever, but about how miraculously a meteor would fall from the sky and hit me, or how I would just spontaneously combust and die (I watched a documentary about spontaneous combustion).
My depression was from March 2005 to October 2005. After I recovered from it, the problem wasn’t exactly over. I swung to the other extreme end of depression, a state called manic. No body around me knew what it was. Thus, I went head on into this mental condition I never knew existed. Within 2 months, I was hospitalized.
Only then, I realized I had a condition called bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression). I was the first among my friends and family to have this illness. The doctor said it runs in the family. Some of my other uncles and aunties went through similar tough times when they were younger too. It’s just that the degree of my illness was much worst.
This illness takes around 2 years to stabilize. During these 2 years I have to be extra careful with my mood swings. In someway, I’m blessed with this condition because I am forced to learn how to maintain my calmness 24/7. I can’t afford to lose control of my mood because my mental state is so fragile.
Now, I am clearer where my limits are. Amazingly, in some ways, my limits grew wider than ever in my entire life. Now I know how to avoid certain people and places that stresses me out, I live a free life that actually improved my aspects of life dramatically. Somehow, I’m better at everything I do. My basketball skills increased, I play Magic: the Gathering card games better, my relationship with all my friends and family improved, and the list just goes on.
I’m not sure why this is happening. There seem to be no way I’ll ever walk into a bad situation ever again. I know it is just a feeling but I really do hope it last forever. But as the pali word “anicca” explains, this will come to pass too.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Polina Semionova
Polina Semionova, born in Moscow in 1984, is considered one of today's most talented female ballet dancers. Originally studying at Bolshoi Ballet School, Ms. Semionova has won many awards; including among the top a gold medal at the Moscow International Ballet Competition 2001, First Prize at the Vaganova-Prix Ballet Competition in St Petersburg 2002, and Junior Prize at the Nagoya (Japan) International Ballet Competition 2002. Polina is also known for dancing with Vladimir Malakhov, touring Japan with him, and is the dancer in Herbert Grönemeyer's music video De Letzter Tag.
Graduating from the Bolshoi in 2002, she joined the Berlin Staatsoper Ballet as a principal when she was 18 years old. She showed her outstanding talent by winning several international ballet competition awards. She has toured in Japan partnering Vladimir Malakhov. In Germany she is also known as the ballerina dancing in Herbert Grönemeyer's music video "Demo (Letzter Tag)".
In 2006, at the age of 19, she performed in the English National Ballet’s Swan Lake and was praised by English critics for her performance.. She made the cover of Berlin’s ballettanz magazine in March of the same year, in an issue focusing on beauty. Despite the pressure such notoriety places on a young dancer, Semionova handled it well through her U.S. debut as Aurora in the California Ballet's Sleeping Beauty, demonstrating her natural charm and clear technique.
Friday, March 02, 2007
My Life's Story...
When I was young, songs that I hear on the radio sometimes sound so real that it freaks me. And I begin to wonder if the radio is talking to me or not, or does the artist who wrote this song already knew what I was going through and wrote the lyrics specially for me? During these times, memories from the past will clutter my mind. This is when I seek distractions, anything at all to make me not think about the real world. Computer games, drinking, smoking and others are what I did to push aside these emotions like jealousy, depression and anger, which seem totally unavoidable. My parents wonder why I do these things, but in reality, I am just a reflection of who they are. I see in myself, some part of me is gradually growing into what my parents are today. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, the fear of what I will become just keeps getting worst.
Why are these things happening to me? Why not him? Or her? They seem really happy! These other people I see walking in the malls, hand in hand with their love ones. Why are they so happy when all of us are going to die in the end anyway? What are they trying to accomplish? What gives them the enthusiasm that they have? Is it because they are Christians? Christians always seem really happy. They always have these church camps that they participate and I see all these happy faces in the pictures. Why wasn’t I born a Christian? These were the questions I used asked God everyday. These are the times I begin to open my bible, trying to understand what is in there that made Christian’s life so much easier than the rest. I was born a Buddhist. And I envied the Christians ever since I heard their laughter and the music they played during a Christian Fellowship (CF) meeting at my secondary school. I tried to be one of them; I tried asking them if I could come for their meetings. None of them sincerely welcomed me.
A Buddhist I was fated to be, a Buddhist without a goal. I totally had no idea what being a Buddhist was all about. I see my mom bow before the Buddha. I totally didn’t know what that was for but I followed. My mom goes to the temples every now and then to pray. I really didn’t know how the heck that would make her happy. Until one fine day, my parents did something new. They went for a Vipassana course (Insight meditation).
When they came back, they taught me a little about what being a Buddhist is truly about. The first thing I learnt is that there is no such thing as being a Buddhist because Buddhism is not a religion. It is a way of life. I can be a Christian while practicing Buddhism. In the Buddist scriptures, they also explain how one would go to haven if one does good deeds; if one does bad things in his life, he would go to hell. This comforted me a lot for I do believe God exist. But Buddhism doesn’t mention just about one God, they believe there are many Gods; guarding many other planes of existence. These “other beings” that live in different planes of existence sometimes come in contact with us. Maybe these are the Angels and Holy Ghosts, or the Devil and Demons that the Holy Bible tells us about. But Buddhists believe that there is a higher goal than just going to haven after they die. Their ultimate goal is reaching a state called Nirvana, a path of no return.
In year 2004, I went to the same course my parents attended. This first course meant nothing to me because the only reason that I went is because my parents would not let me have a driving license until I sat for a Vipassana course. So, during the course, I slept as much as I could (the fastest way to make time fly), I ate as much as I could (because I was bored) and I did many other stupid things. After that 11 days, I went took my driving test and I got my license.
I enjoyed my new found freedom after I got my car license. Even though I was driving a really old red Daihatsu Charade with manual transmission AND non-powered steering wheel with fading colours, I was happy. I didn’t need to bother about scratching my car, losing my car or anything of that sort. I was wild and took the car everywhere I could. Going to friends house as often as I can, driving all the way to Segambut to play futsal, then to Old Klang Road to play in Cyber Cafes.
My parents practically lost both their sons. One’s in US, the other is never seen at home. I would only come home to eat, sleep and go on the computer. I didn’t want to talk to my parents because the first words of their sentences would be either “Ning Jia, go to sleep.” or “Ning Jia, have you bathed?” I found it so annoying that I would avoid them when ever I can.
Then came 2005, I had many changes in myself. Not only me, but my entire family totally changed. We really went through MANY thick-and-thins but in the end, we survived. And I totally agree with the saying, “what don’t kill us makes us stronger”. Our family bonds strengthened and the trust we have for each other is something I never knew possible. My parents now have total confidence on what I can do and they don’t worry about me anymore. I can do whatever I want! My parents stop arguing with each other and my house now is a place I would finally call home.
2006 till now: we maintained our bonds with each other. But sometimes, not matter how hard we try not to say things that would hurt each other; we would still say sarcastic things about each other. However, we have learned to tolerate it. As long as we don’t react to things that are unpleasant, the fire would burn out eventually.
Only after these 20 years, I found peace within myself and my family. This path that I am on is so clear, that I don’t need to worry about anything at all. I am doubtless of where I am going and have no need of worrying if I get lost. All I need to do is just walk, and while walking, I enjoy the scenery: the birds singing and the beautiful shade that the trees give me. I don’t need to worry about cross roads because there are none. I don’t even need to rush because I know whatever I seek will always be there. With this thought in mind, I will have the patience, tolerance and wisdom necessary to lead a happy life.
Love...
I am a 20 year old teen that still has a lot to learn about life. On my way on this long journey, I have fell in love at least a dozen times. But only now, I realize what love really is. It is not who I love and who I care about, but it is who makes me feel loved and how she makes me feel high. So actually, I only love myself. As selfish as I can be, I realized that I do not love these girls with pretty faces, nice voices and talents that I admire. But I love the way I feel when I sit beside them, the way I feel when I am talking with them, and the way I feel when they allow me into their life.
This is no big discovery; there are many books and films that warn me about how love really is. Surprisingly, I still took a big portion of my life to realize that I have been knocking into walls build up by these girls for so long that half my brain is already numb. I am so exhausted from running that when I stop for a moment; I get scared by just looking around myself wondering where the hell I am. I have changed so much I can’t recognize myself any more.
Now, I giving up on girls of my age because I realized most of them are so hurt from past relationships that they hide themselves in a tower so high, that they can hardly see who’s knocking at their door at the bottom. Yet, younger girls aren’t any better; because I believe a person must go through a certain crisis in their life to mature. These younger girls are in the comfort zone and are just too naïve about the world.
Girls that are in a relationship sometimes get so busy that they don’t have time to stop, take a few steps back and look at where they are going. It is obvious that they are going in circles. And the sad thing is they do not like changes. They remind me of my parents when they do not want to use a new chair just because the older one is old, still they complain about the old chair every now and then. These girls fog up their own mind so much that they do not see what the world is really like. Until one day, when the fog finally clears up, they realize what they have missed.
Now, when I am courting a girl, I can’t really say whether what I am doing the right thing or wrong thing. Sometimes it is just neutral. I am still a guy that needs to fall in love once in a while to keep me sane. It is just how well I can cope with it and hopefully one day, one girl would understand how I feel and stick with me. This would save me from the pressure of other girls when they wear pretty dresses and talk real nice with me. (Laughs) Because I know these girls just want attention but my stupid heart is sometimes just so uncontrollable.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Happiness...
If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands! (pa pa pa)
If you’re happy and you know it and you really wanna show it,
If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands! (pa pa pa)
^,^
Friday, January 26, 2007
The Door that was Never there...
I was too far back then, to see that stupid wall.
I thought you couldn’t see me too that’s why I walked closer.
But as I came closer, I got too excited.
I decided to run, giving in to the temptation.
I thought things will change, as I got nearer.
I thought the door would open soon, but there was never a door.
Just when I was an inch a way, I opened my eyes a little wider.
That’s when I realize, the door was never there.
The wall was always a wall, it shut her in and kept me out...
Sunday, January 21, 2007
The Veronicas - Speechless
Artist(s) : Veronicas, The
Album(s) : The Secret Life Of... (2005), Track 8
Feels like I have always known you
And I swear I dreamt about you
All those endless nights I was alone
It's like I've spent forever searching
Now I know that it was worthed
With you it feels like I am finally home
Falling head over heels
Thought I knew how it feels
But with you it's like the first day of my life
'Cuz you leave me speechless when you talk to me
You leave me breathless the way you look at me
You manage to disarm me, my soul is shining through
Can't help but surrender my everything to you
I thought I could resist you
I thought that I was strong
Somehow you were different from what I've known
I didn't see you coming
You took me by surprise and
You stole my heart before I could say no
Falling head over heels
Thought I knew how it feels
But with you it's like the first day of my life
You leave me speechless when you talk to me
You leave me breathless the way you look at me
You manage to disarm me, my soul is shining through
I can't help but surrender my everything to you
You leave me speechless (the way you smile, the way you touch my face)
You leave me breathless (it's something that you do I can't explain)
I'd run a million miles just to hear you say my name
Baby
You leave me speechless
You leave me breathless (the way you look at me)
You manage to disarm me, my soul is shining through
I can't help but surrender my everything to you
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Females...
Starting from last year, I have changed my ways of looking for friends. For the better or worse, it’s a change. In the old days, I use to make an effort of knowing as many people as I can, introducing myself to all and I mean ALL. Thus, I had many friends indeed, knowing many from other schools, young or old, through the activities I join and the tuitions I attended.
I was immature back then, I have known many females back in my days, few WERE interesting, in those few, some were also exceptional, but sadly, I didn’t keep them. People like... err... crap... lol I can’t remember any exceptional ones from DJ at this moment... >,< ok, after 5 secs, maybe Rachel Ngu, and erm... Wey Yiing? Either way, I didn’t keep them either... personally I don’t think Wey Yiing likes me allot allot... can’t blame her too, I was a jerk back in my secondary school days...
Non-DJ people I know a few, like Loo Penny, Alicia Chow, Emily Chan, Serena, Lydia (all these from DU... lol) and Jo (from er... I forgot where... lol but I met her in OBS) all these people are amazing people. They may not be the best scores, not the prettiest people I’ve seen, but the most wholesome... they all are going to be successful in life I’m sure... they all are such nice people that I really can’t see them going the wrong way in life.
Well, I guess I gotta mention I few guys too... lol like Brian (also known as “Z”) from tailors CPU now (also met him in OBS), Jonathan Lim (DU-ian), and of course my best friend Adrian Lim and Junde.
And oh yea! My cousins!! Adelle and Anthea... they’re great people too, so are they’re cousins (no no, not me, but they’re father side’s)... thanks to great parents like my aunt and uncle... =P
And all these years, of all the special people I met, I could click with them. Not until I met you... so yea, don’t tell me they are many fishes in the sea, because of all those fishes, only few are interesting... in those few, hardly a handful are exceptional... and in that handful, only ONE is edible...
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Poem 101
This is the only poem I blogged that isn't original, I apologize if I offended Sonata Arctica or any of his fans for doing so...
Solitude's upon my skin
A life that's bound by the chains of reality
Would you let me be your Endymion?
I won't bathe in your moonlight, and slumber in peace
Enchanted by your smile, which is forever missed
But until we unite
I live for that night
Wait for time
Two souls entwine
In the break of new dawn
My hope is forlorn
Shadows, they will fade
I'm always in the shade
Serene and silent sky
Rays of moon are dancing with the tide
A perfect sight, a world divine
And I...
The loneliest child alive
Always waiting, searching for my rhyme
I'm still alone in the dead of night
Silent I lie with smile on my face,
Appearance deceives and the silence betrays
As I wait for the time
My dream comes alive
Always out of sight
But never out of mind
In the end, I'm enslaved by my dream
In the end, a cliff devours me, it seems
Hidden from daylight, I'm sealed in my cave
Trapped in a dream, turning to a nightmare
Where I'm all alone...
Venial is life when you're but a dream
The book’s still open, the pages empty, like me...
I cling to a hope that's beginning to fade,
Trying to break the desolation I hate
By the light of new day
I'll fade away
Reality cuts deep
My mistakes begins to seep
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Sonata Arctica
Well, technically I could just tell someone that doesn’t know you, but I hope you understand that won’t help much... so here I am, typing it here, half hoping that you might read it...
I really love you shaleni/selina... I really do...
"Solitude's upon my skin. A life that's bound by the chains of reality. Would you let me be your Endymion?" – Sonata Arctica
not that I understand much of this quote... but well, I guess the first sentence means I’m bound to be lonely, my life is tied up by many things (e.g. me not suppose to say "I love you" to you... >,< [it's just an example... =P]). The last part is well, no biggy...
sigh... if you do find out about this post... I’m really sorry you gotta read it... but I really can’t help it, I hope you won’t get mad... >,< if you don’t, well, at least I had the comfort of letting it out... =)
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Love? Depends how you define it...
It’s sad that I have to go through this again, rejection and all these things... I knew I was getting myself into trouble, someone had told me about it and reminded me that (ahh crap, I can’t quote it because it isn’t in my MSN history... ) just before I confessed to her... but that person told me not to linger between the door... so I decided to go out instead....
I wouldn’t say it’s a mistake, some decisions are not wrong nor right... I just told (1/01/06) a good friend about how a person should never regret his or her decisions at these kind of times because really, right and wrong has no perfect line between them, sometimes it’s how to take it that matters... if u REGRET your decision, THAT’s what makes it wrong...
Come to think of it, I love all my friends... I seriously do... someone told me there’s 5 types of love, but I can’t remember what are the 5 types... nevertheless, when I say I love someone, I mean it... so when I say I love all my friends, I really mean it too... I love ALL my family (mom, dad, bro... it goes on to cousin’s cousins... lol), I love Adrian (my best friend since 2002, call me gay all you want... I don’t fucking care...), I love J (this person might be alil taken back by this, so I rather not write his/her name... =P) I love K (actually, seriously, I love everyone around me... the list goes on, but really I don’t think it’s worth keep typing single letter names... lol)...
So yea, I’d still say I love you (*wink wink*), because I do really care about you... and it pains me to see any of my close ones suffering in any manner, so please, when I offer help, accept it, for my intentions are just only to make you happy. I do this to EVERYONE that’s close to me (or at least I try to) so you’re not specially treated in anyway, so please, don’t feel bad or it really really really makes it hard for me. I treat ALL my close ones like that...
Got to go eat breakfast then go college already... I think I’ll be blogging quite frequently these few months... so take care you all and may all beings be happy... =)