Liars and Lies...

“Honesty is the best policy”

How many times have you heard of this quote? How many times have you said something untrue just to get away from something? We can hardly remember how many times we lied and more importantly, how many of those lies were to ourselves.

A girl in the movie “The Departed” said lying is necessary to balance the scale in which a relationship is at stake. Do you believe in that? I personally don't, because I believe that a relationship should be transparent, that is of course if you wanted the relationship to last in the first place. Actually, it’s not just couples who lie; businessman also claim lying is totally unavoidable. But is that really true? Are we all damned to commit such sins?

I personally was a devil myself back in secondary school; I lied at every juncture I could. I was an intelligent kid who was able to monitor most of my lies well enough to make me feel good about it. But as the Chinese say, “paper can’t hold fire”, slowly, I started to lose control of situations.

All the lies were draining my strength away but I did not realize it. I didn’t know why I was so exhausted. I thought I was just getting old. But no, when your mind is not at peace, you will be drained mentally whether you are aware of it or not. I slowly went into a depression. I started to sleep a lot but I was still tired. I got easily agitated by really small things. I hated my life and blamed everyone around me for my miseries. Finally, I decided that I was on my own in this whole wide world; which made my situation even worst.

Only much later, I knew I was ill. I told my parents that but my parents didn’t take it seriously. They thought it was just another phase I was going through. Yes, they were right, but this phase was more critical. I went to speak with the psychologist in my college who wasn’t helpful at all.

I was suffering the consequences of my sins. Everyday was hell for me; I wanted to die. I thought of ridiculous fantasies. Not about girls or whatsoever, but about how miraculously a meteor would fall from the sky and hit me, or how I would just spontaneously combust and die (I watched a documentary about spontaneous combustion).

My depression was from March 2005 to October 2005. After I recovered from it, the problem wasn’t exactly over. I swung to the other extreme end of depression, a state called manic. No body around me knew what it was. Thus, I went head on into this mental condition I never knew existed. Within 2 months, I was hospitalized.

Only then, I realized I had a condition called bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression). I was the first among my friends and family to have this illness. The doctor said it runs in the family. Some of my other uncles and aunties went through similar tough times when they were younger too. It’s just that the degree of my illness was much worst.

This illness takes around 2 years to stabilize. During these 2 years I have to be extra careful with my mood swings. In someway, I’m blessed with this condition because I am forced to learn how to maintain my calmness 24/7. I can’t afford to lose control of my mood because my mental state is so fragile.

Now, I am clearer where my limits are. Amazingly, in some ways, my limits grew wider than ever in my entire life. Now I know how to avoid certain people and places that stresses me out, I live a free life that actually improved my aspects of life dramatically. Somehow, I’m better at everything I do. My basketball skills increased, I play Magic: the Gathering card games better, my relationship with all my friends and family improved, and the list just goes on.

I’m not sure why this is happening. There seem to be no way I’ll ever walk into a bad situation ever again. I know it is just a feeling but I really do hope it last forever. But as the pali word “anicca” explains, this will come to pass too.

Polina Semionova

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Polina Semionova, born in Moscow in 1984, is considered one of today's most talented female ballet dancers. Originally studying at Bolshoi Ballet School, Ms. Semionova has won many awards; including among the top a gold medal at the Moscow International Ballet Competition 2001, First Prize at the Vaganova-Prix Ballet Competition in St Petersburg 2002, and Junior Prize at the Nagoya (Japan) International Ballet Competition 2002. Polina is also known for dancing with Vladimir Malakhov, touring Japan with him, and is the dancer in Herbert Grönemeyer's music video De Letzter Tag.

Graduating from the Bolshoi in 2002, she joined the Berlin Staatsoper Ballet as a principal when she was 18 years old. She showed her outstanding talent by winning several international ballet competition awards. She has toured in Japan partnering Vladimir Malakhov. In Germany she is also known as the ballerina dancing in Herbert Grönemeyer's music video "Demo (Letzter Tag)".

In 2006, at the age of 19, she performed in the English National Ballet’s Swan Lake and was praised by English critics for her performance.. She made the cover of Berlin’s ballettanz magazine in March of the same year, in an issue focusing on beauty. Despite the pressure such notoriety places on a young dancer, Semionova handled it well through her U.S. debut as Aurora in the California Ballet's Sleeping Beauty, demonstrating her natural charm and clear technique.

My Life's Story...

I am a typical 20 year-old-male that has been through the “teen-age” and have submerge into the world of the adults. This is my story...

When I was young, songs that I hear on the radio sometimes sound so real that it freaks me. And I begin to wonder if the radio is talking to me or not, or does the artist who wrote this song already knew what I was going through and wrote the lyrics specially for me? During these times, memories from the past will clutter my mind. This is when I seek distractions, anything at all to make me not think about the real world. Computer games, drinking, smoking and others are what I did to push aside these emotions like jealousy, depression and anger, which seem totally unavoidable. My parents wonder why I do these things, but in reality, I am just a reflection of who they are. I see in myself, some part of me is gradually growing into what my parents are today. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, the fear of what I will become just keeps getting worst.

Why are these things happening to me? Why not him? Or her? They seem really happy! These other people I see walking in the malls, hand in hand with their love ones. Why are they so happy when all of us are going to die in the end anyway? What are they trying to accomplish? What gives them the enthusiasm that they have? Is it because they are Christians? Christians always seem really happy. They always have these church camps that they participate and I see all these happy faces in the pictures. Why wasn’t I born a Christian? These were the questions I used asked God everyday. These are the times I begin to open my bible, trying to understand what is in there that made Christian’s life so much easier than the rest. I was born a Buddhist. And I envied the Christians ever since I heard their laughter and the music they played during a Christian Fellowship (CF) meeting at my secondary school. I tried to be one of them; I tried asking them if I could come for their meetings. None of them sincerely welcomed me.

A Buddhist I was fated to be, a Buddhist without a goal. I totally had no idea what being a Buddhist was all about. I see my mom bow before the Buddha. I totally didn’t know what that was for but I followed. My mom goes to the temples every now and then to pray. I really didn’t know how the heck that would make her happy. Until one fine day, my parents did something new. They went for a Vipassana course (Insight meditation).

When they came back, they taught me a little about what being a Buddhist is truly about. The first thing I learnt is that there is no such thing as being a Buddhist because Buddhism is not a religion. It is a way of life. I can be a Christian while practicing Buddhism. In the Buddist scriptures, they also explain how one would go to haven if one does good deeds; if one does bad things in his life, he would go to hell. This comforted me a lot for I do believe God exist. But Buddhism doesn’t mention just about one God, they believe there are many Gods; guarding many other planes of existence. These “other beings” that live in different planes of existence sometimes come in contact with us. Maybe these are the Angels and Holy Ghosts, or the Devil and Demons that the Holy Bible tells us about. But Buddhists believe that there is a higher goal than just going to haven after they die. Their ultimate goal is reaching a state called Nirvana, a path of no return.

In year 2004, I went to the same course my parents attended. This first course meant nothing to me because the only reason that I went is because my parents would not let me have a driving license until I sat for a Vipassana course. So, during the course, I slept as much as I could (the fastest way to make time fly), I ate as much as I could (because I was bored) and I did many other stupid things. After that 11 days, I went took my driving test and I got my license.

I enjoyed my new found freedom after I got my car license. Even though I was driving a really old red Daihatsu Charade with manual transmission AND non-powered steering wheel with fading colours, I was happy. I didn’t need to bother about scratching my car, losing my car or anything of that sort. I was wild and took the car everywhere I could. Going to friends house as often as I can, driving all the way to Segambut to play futsal, then to Old Klang Road to play in Cyber Cafes.

My parents practically lost both their sons. One’s in US, the other is never seen at home. I would only come home to eat, sleep and go on the computer. I didn’t want to talk to my parents because the first words of their sentences would be either “Ning Jia, go to sleep.” or “Ning Jia, have you bathed?” I found it so annoying that I would avoid them when ever I can.

Then came 2005, I had many changes in myself. Not only me, but my entire family totally changed. We really went through MANY thick-and-thins but in the end, we survived. And I totally agree with the saying, “what don’t kill us makes us stronger”. Our family bonds strengthened and the trust we have for each other is something I never knew possible. My parents now have total confidence on what I can do and they don’t worry about me anymore. I can do whatever I want! My parents stop arguing with each other and my house now is a place I would finally call home.

2006 till now: we maintained our bonds with each other. But sometimes, not matter how hard we try not to say things that would hurt each other; we would still say sarcastic things about each other. However, we have learned to tolerate it. As long as we don’t react to things that are unpleasant, the fire would burn out eventually.

Only after these 20 years, I found peace within myself and my family. This path that I am on is so clear, that I don’t need to worry about anything at all. I am doubtless of where I am going and have no need of worrying if I get lost. All I need to do is just walk, and while walking, I enjoy the scenery: the birds singing and the beautiful shade that the trees give me. I don’t need to worry about cross roads because there are none. I don’t even need to rush because I know whatever I seek will always be there. With this thought in mind, I will have the patience, tolerance and wisdom necessary to lead a happy life.

Love...

Who has not fallen in love before? I dare say no one. Why? Because we are humans, and humans do what humans do. It is like why dogs scratch themselves so hard that they seem to want to scratch their ears away. Just like why a parrot would imitate sounds that it hears. And there is no clear explanation because there are just too many people that have their own opinions.

I am a 20 year old teen that still has a lot to learn about life. On my way on this long journey, I have fell in love at least a dozen times. But only now, I realize what love really is. It is not who I love and who I care about, but it is who makes me feel loved and how she makes me feel high. So actually, I only love myself. As selfish as I can be, I realized that I do not love these girls with pretty faces, nice voices and talents that I admire. But I love the way I feel when I sit beside them, the way I feel when I am talking with them, and the way I feel when they allow me into their life.

This is no big discovery; there are many books and films that warn me about how love really is. Surprisingly, I still took a big portion of my life to realize that I have been knocking into walls build up by these girls for so long that half my brain is already numb. I am so exhausted from running that when I stop for a moment; I get scared by just looking around myself wondering where the hell I am. I have changed so much I can’t recognize myself any more.

Now, I giving up on girls of my age because I realized most of them are so hurt from past relationships that they hide themselves in a tower so high, that they can hardly see who’s knocking at their door at the bottom. Yet, younger girls aren’t any better; because I believe a person must go through a certain crisis in their life to mature. These younger girls are in the comfort zone and are just too naïve about the world.

Girls that are in a relationship sometimes get so busy that they don’t have time to stop, take a few steps back and look at where they are going. It is obvious that they are going in circles. And the sad thing is they do not like changes. They remind me of my parents when they do not want to use a new chair just because the older one is old, still they complain about the old chair every now and then. These girls fog up their own mind so much that they do not see what the world is really like. Until one day, when the fog finally clears up, they realize what they have missed.

Now, when I am courting a girl, I can’t really say whether what I am doing the right thing or wrong thing. Sometimes it is just neutral. I am still a guy that needs to fall in love once in a while to keep me sane. It is just how well I can cope with it and hopefully one day, one girl would understand how I feel and stick with me. This would save me from the pressure of other girls when they wear pretty dresses and talk real nice with me. (Laughs) Because I know these girls just want attention but my stupid heart is sometimes just so uncontrollable.