My Life

2011-12-14T04:57:00.000+08:00

Demi Lovato - Skyscraper

Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching tear drops in my hands
Only silence, as it's ending
Like we never had a chance

Do you have to make me feel like
So there's nothing left of me?

[Chorus:]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

[Bridge:]
As the smoke clears, I awaken
And untangle you from me
Would it make you, feel better
To watch me while I bleed?

All my windows still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet

[Chorus:]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

[Bridge:]
Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here, watch you disappear
Yeah oh
Go run, run, run
Yeah, it's a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here

[Chorus:]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Oh Oh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

(Like a skyscraper) huh huh huh

Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

Indifference Part II

2011-11-06T06:17:00.002+08:00

Indifference Part I:
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?saved&¬e_id=10150387084678734

Indifference Part II:
So why not be my friend,
For I need a girlfriend.
To tend my lonely nights,
I promise your delight!

跌

2010-08-19T23:41:00.000+08:00

小时跌到站起来，

小伤涂上一些药。

我已跌了好几次，

可是…

心里伤痕永不去。

个人

2010-08-03T14:41:00.000+08:00

个人只有一个心。

心里只有一个人。

那人不知也不懂，

有人心里只有她。

2010-08-01T02:41:00.001+08:00

get your own starcraft 2 signature at sc2sig.com

Facebook's Definition of Popularity

2010-07-22T10:27:00.002+08:00

someone once told me.. "the more pictures you get yourself tagged in, the more popular you are." She was at 3k pictures..
Then she quickly added, "for guys, you should stand around 500-800 and you should be fine."
I was 500+ back then, I remember after that I quickly went home to check. I was so surprise how that statement actually affected me, considering I see myself as one of those rather not be bothered by peer pressure kindda guys.

Another Noob Chain Mail

2010-07-07T08:26:00.003+08:00

FYI. Please be careful.

Hold the Petrol Noozle !!! DANGER !!!

Reminder to hold the petrol nozzle at all times. You guys don't be lazy.

Always hold onto the nozzle like I did. A friend stopped for petrol at the Petrol Station (the one) at the Lingkaran Highway near Gombak) a little over two weeks ago. This was the first time he patronized a station. As his normal practice elsewhere, he put the nozzle on automatic and stood nearby waiting for his car to be filled up. Suddenly
the nozzle flew out of the gas tank opening with petrol spewing out at high speed.

He was sprayed with petrol all over, including his face and eyes (just imagine the pain in his eyes). His companion quickly brought him to toilet to wash his face. After that
they reported the incident to the staff and asked to speak to the manager. The manager refused to see them. He only instructed the staff to take our friend to the hospital.
According to the staff that was not the first time the nozzle came out of the tank
while customers are filling up petrol. But our friend's incident was the worst.

The top layer of his right eye was damaged and the area around his eye burnt. His eye had to be bandaged for 10 days. He was not so lucky his eyesight was badly affected
and became blind. Apparently the nozzle was lighter than normal and the speed of the petrol created a backward thrust that pushed the nozzle out of the tank.

So please be careful. Share this info with your friends, family & relatives... ..

-------------------------------------

This is obviously a hoax to scare people because there's a few flaws.

Firstly, the patrol coming out of the nozzle (not spelled noozle by the author) was never "high speed". It is not a garden hose. If you fill up patrol bottles with it before you will know that it just a normal flow.

Secondly, even if it was at high speed, when it "flew out" and hit the ground or anything, the trigger will be flipped and patrol will stop coming out because it is very sensitive.

Thirdly, it doesn't make sense at all how he was hurt. If it was really "so damn high speed" that it sprayed his face so damn hard and hurt him. Well, most of you would realise how stupid that sounds.

Fourthly, in the end it says that he was burnt. Again, totally does not make sense. While it's true that petrol can corrode some substance, it can not hurt us unless it's lit or drunk. And the author didn't mention either.

Other minor things that does not make sense include the manager of the petrol station not wanting to speak with them saying it's happened a few times. What kind of bullshit, can you imaging anyone at all ignoring someone screaming in pain on your property and not wanting to come out and see what happen.

10 days of bandage for a burn injury that caused blindness? So what was it now, a sprayed caused injury, a fire or the petrol somehow became acid half way? Make up your damn mind.

My point for this is that we should stop spreading these lies around to scare people unnecessary. Most of us are educated now and can use the internet to our advantage. If you want to keep in touch with your friends through email, I don't mind those cute messages with cats and/or dogs. But please DO NOT spread these emails with wrong facts to mislead people into inconvenience.

Jay Sean - Do You Remember

2010-07-05T10:51:00.000+08:00

Hey! Jay Sean
Yeah! Sean Paul
Lil Jon!
This one right here is for all the ladies
Ladies who want to take it back
(i don't know what Sean Paul said)
Holler at them Jay

I've been thinking about you
And how we used to be then
Back when we didn't have to live we could start again

There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories

Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back

(Yo Jay Sing for these ladies!)

So long since you've been missing
It's good to see you again
How you how you doing
And how about we don't let this happen again

There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Jay Sean Do You Remember
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories

Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)

Yo ay girl yo bring it back to the time when you and me had just begun
When I was still your number one
Well it might seem far-fetched baby girl but it can't be done
I've got this feeling fire blazing and it's hot just like the sun
Know you feel it too my girl just freeze up may the good vibes run ...
Girl take a sip of the champange take a lil trip down my lane my girl
While you noe every night you'll feel alright look
I tell you dis girl atta My world
Dont change imma na Rearange Ay girl
imma tell you straight dis atta my world
How many years do you want come kiss dis I know you miss this
That's what I heard that's what I heard that's what I heard word girl
(written by ear as heard by Mj22)

There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories

Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Let's bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Let's bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Oh)
Let's bring it back

每人

2010-06-23T14:22:00.000+08:00

每人的生活，
每人的急转。
本路已忘形，
己身不安宁。

假如你走来

2010-06-20T20:55:00.000+08:00

假如你走来；

在一个微温的夜晚，

轻轻地走来，

叩我寂寥的门窗；

假如你走来，

不说一句话，

将你战栗的肩膀，

依靠白色的墙。

我将从沉思的坐椅中

静静地立起

在书页中寻出来

一朵萎去的花

插在你的衣襟上。

我也将给你一个缄默，

一个最深的凝望；

而当你又踽踽地走去，

我将哭泣——

是因为幸福，

不是悲伤。

~陈敬容

之星

2010-06-18T23:59:00.000+08:00

每晚望上天之星，

独身独想己之恋。

至今没展我之感，

重来没解她之心。

误

2010-06-14T12:10:00.000+08:00

误也误过了，

话也说完了。

可是一言我永不忘，

“你喜我喜，我喜你喜”

我不理我之心愿，

也不理我要的结果。

我心里只想再听，

你喜一声的笑哈哈…

缩

2010-06-10T14:23:00.000+08:00

一阵子的风度

一阵子的感情

来来去去永不断

要避要闪躲不完

这样子的结束

这样子的末端

使我心上伤痕加多一刀

使我忍着过日麻上小心

使我封上小心缩进小头

使我在次带上假喜之面

时间

2010-06-10T11:50:00.000+08:00

事实可避

心烦可隐

人影可藏

友情可忘

时间流浪

事实爆出

心烦增多

人影露尾

友情永去

First Credit Card Fraud

2010-06-03T20:50:00.002+08:00

anyone with this transaction record:
CCBill.com 888-5969279 AZ
should call ur bank up now, cancel ur card and get a refund!

I think I just got someone sacked..

2010-04-18T08:48:00.003+08:00

Few weeks ago, I called startech up and complained about something and got into a kind of heated conversation. So I decided to record it and put it up on facebook.

Now, the General Manager of Startech just contacted me and is willing to give me a month's worth of the $60 bucks plan! In return, I must remove the video from facebook.. lol

How awesome is that?!

Thanks everyone for commenting on that video and thank Vidur Tuli for exposing that video to Startech's manager.

The Little Tuna Can

2010-04-02T16:20:00.001+08:00

The little tuna can beside

saw what went on with the pickle jar.

As helpless a tuna can can be,

He cheered-up the pickle jar.

"As useless one might think you are,

I certainly do not.

You have kept me company,

As lonely these days can be."

"Whenever I felt down and low

With these fishes in my belly.

I saw how tall, strong and bold,

you stood with all those veggies."

"At least people could see into you,

And know what you're about.

While I am here as thick as I am,

With no one's understanding."

"So cheer-up little pickle jar,

For at least we expire together.

Who cares what the future holds,

As long as we're together."

Little Pond

2010-04-01T11:59:00.000+08:00

Shallow waters of this little pond,
Stepping in it oddly kept me warm.
But half my body's still held bear,
That's how I feel when with her.

So away I stand, far from sight.
Looking at her while under the light.
Rather not involved in her daily life,
Where I might mess up her entire life.

Riley Armstrong - Melting

2010-04-01T09:02:00.000+08:00

Title Melting

Artist Riley Armstrong

Album La Loop (2005) , Track 3

If I could climb through the telephone line

I'd be there in a dial tone, you wouldn't be alone

If I could turn into a letter in word

that I write down from my heart

catch a ride on a post card

My watch is always set to your time

My shoes are always ready and tied

My heart points north, longing

For without you I'm an ice cube melting

The distance between us baby

could roll up and trade in, maybe

for a moment instead

of winter air to see your breath

'cause my watch is always set to your time

My shoes are always ready and tied

My heart points north, longing

For without you I'm an ice cube melting

I know the north star knows just where you are

And then just beyond him you sleep, I imagine

I'll try to hook on the sunrise

And you're still dreaming, I'll wake you in the morning

The distance between us baby

could roll up and trade in, maybe

for a moment instead

of winter air to see your breath

My watch is always set to your time

My shoes are always ready and tied

My heart points north, longing

For without you I'm an ice cube melting

THE DEAN'S LIST

2010-03-19T23:24:00.005+08:00

THAT'S IT.. I DEDICATE THIS SEMESTER TO GET ON THE DEAN'S LIST..

Watch me rise above all of you and be the top 5 percentile.. I'm tired of being the one who's clueless in class, missing out on things and not doing my readings.. ENOUGH! I'm gonna start OWNING!

Wouldn't it be great to be on this list?!
http://www.asb.unsw.edu.au/newsevents/Documents/DeansListAwardfinal.pdf

Fucking hell man.. gonna start nerding.. not gonna care what u guys gonna say about it.. I'm gonna start STUDYING!!

The Break Up Package

2010-03-15T06:20:00.004+08:00

Check this out... LOL

And guess who offers this "package"?
HILTON HOTELS!! ROLF

2010-03-08T22:33:00.003+08:00

do you know? that this tiny thread | is the only thing holding me from falling in love with you. Here I am.. standing on the edge of my life, looking into the pits of love. No, I am not attracted by it.. not at all.. just looking down that dark mysterious bottomless pit reminds me of the many thorns and solid walls that I've slammed into. They hurt.. they hurt soo bad that I've conditioned myself to numb my feelings for anyone.

Yet.. here I stand not wanting to leave the sight of that path, leaving a toe just off the edge testing it's waters... it's cold.. very cold...

But sights of you have always caught me into this everlasting dream of uncertainty.. I'm so close to falling in love for you, so close.. but I do not want to fall.. no.. not again, not at this time, not while I'm here.. no.. please no...

2010-03-08T14:41:00.002+08:00

Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the wrong words seem to rhyme

Out of the doubt that fills my mind

I somehow find

You and I collide

~ Howie Day - Collide

2010-03-08T09:55:00.003+08:00

Woot.. i got westbrook at my lecturer.. i totally didn't expect that since our freaking course outline still isn't out yet..

PSYC2081-Learning & Physiological Psych (unavailable)

Ya.. totally westbrook style.. don't even know how to press F5 to maximize the screen for presentation.. zzz

but oh well.. at least the topic's pretty interesting so hopefully that would fuel me up enough to stay awake in lectures.. =)

2010-02-20T08:33:00.002+08:00

Lost in the eyes of those who pass

Acts for mercy unwatched by deities

Missing the presence of those who love

Acts for affection unwatched by the enchanter

2010-02-18T11:57:00.002+08:00

You might not believe your eyes
When ten thousand fireflies
Make me want to dance with all again

Sometimes I wonder why
You make me fucking high
But you don't seem to know nor seem to care

I like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
So that both you and me can have time to breath
As everybody blend in as it seems
(I fall a sleep)

Owl City - Fireflies

2010-02-18T08:52:00.000+08:00

you would not believe your eyes
if ten million fireflies lit up the world as i fell asleep
'Cause they'd fill the open air
and leave teardrops everywhere
you'd think me rude but I would just stand and stare

Chorus:
I'd like to make myself believe
that planet Earth turns slowly
Its hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems

'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs
as they tried to teach me how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
a sock hop beneath my bed
a disco ball is just hanging by a thread

(chorus)

When I fall asleep leave my door open just a crack
(please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(please take me away from here)
why do I tire of counting sheep
(please take me away from here)
when I'm far too tired to fall asleep

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell
but I'll know where several are
if my dreams get real bizarre
'cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar

Chorus (x2)

(I fall asleep)
I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams

2010-02-16T22:18:00.002+08:00

Above the sky where the sun is high
My desires hides in, because it's shy
Away from the openness, away from the others
Not showing how much of you it admires

Friendship

2010-02-09T14:33:00.002+08:00

Entombing myself in an abyss of depression
You pull me out through love without question
You'd give me your world without hesitation
Only you hold a friends intuition

by Mindfullsilence
Reference: http://allpoetry.com/poem/3881763

Friendship Link

2010-02-09T14:33:00.001+08:00

Friendship can't be bought or sold
There needs to be a link that holds
If you find that link in someone true
Then you can think that they'll always be there for you

by yellowdolphinE
Reference: http://allpoetry.com/poem/3930389

2010-02-09T14:30:00.001+08:00

under the sky where friendships bond.
relationships amongst, ever mysterious.
yet your beauty within, kept me enchanted.
wishing you the best, may you never be jaded.

2010-01-28T03:54:00.001+08:00

did you know the opposite of live is evil?

2010-01-26T05:35:00.003+08:00

Here you are again,
Hovering about my head.
Go away, you are a pain!
Don't bug me with your bait.

Time to time,
You test me out.
With bites of shiver,
You'll wear me out.

Yet at other times,
I succumb to you.
Falling in love to,
Feelings that ain't true.

So yet again,
Should I make a move?
And start running again,
To the door that ain't through?

Head on hitting it,
Like the many times I did.
Never learning from it,
Perishing alone from it.

2009-12-27T20:10:00.002+08:00

Yea, it's happening again, I have to worry about my parents worrying about me. Fuck you guys, next summer I'm not coming back, fuck it..

2009-11-12T02:50:00.002+08:00

Across the window went the little spider
Step step step step, how far more, he wonders
Looking beneath him, he sees a world of wonder
But unable to cross it, he sits there and ponder

2009-11-12T01:17:00.002+08:00

This has been bugging me my whole exam period.. the fucking alarm which keeps ringing in the middle of the night. At first I thought it was a car alarm because it sounded exactly like one, so one night, when it started ringing at 2am again, I took my marker pen and went down ready to fuck his car up (yes, it was a removable ink marker pen, just wanted to give him/her a piece of my mind).

But as I followed that bloody noise, I came up to this:

like 5 meters up a pillar.. dammit.. how am I gonna reach up there...

2009-05-25T00:39:00.010+08:00

Genesis
8:21 Yahweh smelled the sweet savor. Yahweh said in his heart, "I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake, because the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I ever again strike everything living, as I have done.

Hmm.. looks like Yahweh broke his words a couple of times this pass few decades.. then again maybe all those flu virus, tsunami and stuff were caused by Satan..

Then again again, Satan is the "absence" of God.. Which rather confuses me the more I read the Bible..

2009-05-24T05:37:00.002+08:00

Ok.. my "next post" will have to wait, I want to write about something else:

curtains closed
as I slipped off the red carpet
I'm sliding down a tunnel
filled with many familiar noises

as I reached the bottom
you came up to me
yet with just a glance
you brought me down another

sliding down again
everything's so fast
yesterday was just today
and last week was just yesterday
and suddenly I've let a secret out
to a person I've hardly known

sitting here I wonder alone to myself
why did I tell her a secret none understands
was it to form a bond that hopefully grows stronger
or was it a slip of tongue like none other

what future will it hold I wonder
should I try to amend it with more secret
or should I just ignore that
and make her just another

2009-05-20T21:00:00.001+08:00

Wow.. didn't realise I wrote such a long post...

2009-05-20T20:17:00.002+08:00

I learnt something about blogs, you don't need to have a title. This relieves me by a lot because many times, I wonder what I should label my posts.

Anyway, life after Dota (around 3 weeks now) has been a bit rough. I've been indulging in some of those facebook Tower Wars when I'm awfully bored. Next week I have 2 assignments to pass in again. And today's finance test was the best compared to the 2 last ones.

I've been doing great with both my Psyc subjects and my FINS1612, but somehow, FINS1613 has been really mean to me. I have failed EVERY tutorial quizzes. I haven't even told my family about this. I feel like dropping it and start again next semester so it wouldn't pull my other grades down later because I feel rather hopeless.

It's that kindda like that "learnt helplessness" thingy. If I still do bad in this 3rd test despite feeling good about it, I'd probably drop it because really, I think I've been conditioned to do badly for this subject.. No, I'm not putting the blame on some psychological theory, it's just that I don't think it's worth scraping a pass on this one.

Thoughts about today has been dull too. The only thing that was on my mind was that FINS1613 test. But while daydreaming a bit, I remembered something interesting that happened here at Uni.

There was this group of people last year that set up a stall at the main walkway with a banner saying, "Cancel your facebook account!". I'm a naturally curios person and walked out of my way to speak with them. They were very helpful since I was the only person there.

They told me about many ideas I haven't really absorbed into my thoughts even till today. For example, they told me that the world is living in the hands of the government. Every single fasion, trends and news are being controlled by them with tools such as magazines, news papers and now facebook.

At that point, I was imagining a whole office building full of facebookers monitoring every profile, groups and events created by the users. Then, I went on imagining them having meeting on what trend to set next and all those stuff. I was still very puzzled at that idea and went on and asked, "Ok, so what can an international student like me can do about it?"

Here's what's interesting, he said, "it's pretty hard to do anything in your situation." Which is true, but then I asked, "what would you recommend the first step be?"

"Quit uni and join us."

And that point I was:
O_O

After an odd pause, I said I'll think about it and he even gave me a CD titled "The Firewall". Until today, I didn't bother to even open the CD.. lol
I remembered every bit of it because it still pops up every now and then during my daydreams about uni. From time to time I wonder if there's any truth in what that guy said if I took it with a grain of salt.. ok, maybe a spoon full of salt. While it's true that almost all the successful business people have been saying that uni hardly contributed to the knowledge they have now. One of them even said, "maybe 5%?". But the last time I attended one of these talks, James Steven, MD of "Roses Only", he said that in those days, it would have been possible for someone without tertiary education to do well. But in the world today, everything has been kicked up a notch. Life isn't as simple as it use to be back then and that a tertiary education is important, regardless how relevant it is to what you will be doing in your future career.

He talked about many things about university life which held true to me. I've been trying my best to maximise my time here at Uni by joining as many clubs and societies as possible meeting all kinds of people. Learning about social status and cliques the hard way. Applying what I've learn in psychology as best as I can in my uni life. UNSW can be said to be my experimental research lab of myself. Every apparatus and tools to mold and test myself is there. Hopefully, by end of this degree, I understand myself better and am ready for the real world.

In my next blog I'll talk about something else regarding my degree. Stay tuned.. =)

7.14am

2009-05-19T05:12:00.003+08:00

Good morning world! This is a brand new day of my life and believe it or not, yesterday was different, very different. Why? Because I have 下决心 to flip around my life before it further delve into the unpredictable hell of my own laziness.

And how does it start? By waking up 7.10am in the morning..

And yea, Lisa might be dropping by here soon if she knows how to use google properly. So hi Lisa! =P
I think Kerrie will come over too.. so hi Kerrie!

Edit: didn't know it was "Kerrie" with an "E" not "A".. sorry.. >,<

How some amazing animals overcome problems

2009-05-17T00:57:00.001+08:00

This amazing video shows how a bunch of ants overcome a flood.
How? They make a boat..
With what? With a bunch of ants....

Re-start?

2009-05-17T00:16:00.002+08:00

Hi all, I haven't been writing awhile now. More than a year or two. But yesterday, Adrian lim asked me why not, and I couldn't give an excuse. So here I am.. taking the first step.
edit: I just remembered one of the reasons. It was because my mum found out about my blog..

As I was reading my past blogs I noticed a few things.
There was this girl, JeeWen who commented that she liked my writings. After doing abit of stalking, I found her facebook profile and realised that she's from SMKDU and was 3 years younger than me. How did she stumble upon my blog? I got no idea.

Why take such an effort to find those out? I don't know.. it's just coz I'm looking for a inspirations to write I guess.

This post won't be too interesting because it's already 2.20am and i'm at my aunt's house sleeping over. we'll be doing some groceries tomorrow morning at the market.

After putting my hands on this keyboard and am back at this blogger page, memories are sure flooding in. I think my next few posts are going to be quite interesting.

Good night people, sweet dreams.. =)

Question..

2008-03-08T20:37:00.000+08:00

What if one day, you walk along the railway and see a train going towards a family of five. They are chatting happily not paying attention to the train that’s heading their way. You panic and look around to see if you could do anything about it. You find there’s a lever that changes the direction of the train. Unfortunately if you do that, a railway worker will be killed. You look around again and find this really really fat guy just beside you, who will definitely stop the train if you push him on the track.
What will you do?

This is a challenging question to anyone, whether he’s religious, a moral person or a logical person. As for me, after thinking for awhile (around 2 days) I came out with my answer.

I will do nothing. I found that no matter the numbers, I am no one to decide who dies and who lives. Because if I switch the track of the train, I’m directly killing that innocent worker who thought he was safely on the track which the train isn’t suppose to come. And if I push that fat guy, of course, that would even be more direct to killing an innocent person. But if I let that train hit those five people, it would certainly be hard to see them die like that.

Some people may think that to save five lives and scarifies one is worth it. I guess that is logically right, but did you stop to think that THAT is exactly what causes war. Wars and started because one of the sides wants to save some people. To save them, they have to kill. In reality, there’s no such thing as kill lives to save lives. Whether it’s killing one and saving five or killing a thousand to save a million. This is what I truly believe.

Guang Zhou Trip

2007-11-29T10:10:00.000+08:00

I was once hired by my father to be his traveling translator and interpreter in Guang Zhou, China because I can speak mandarin but my dad can’t speak a word of it. When he planned the trip, he told me (without asking me first) that I was to be his interpreter. The day before I left, I didn’t even know where I was going in Guang Zhou. He gave me one huge traveling bag and told me to use it. I asked “Why do I need such a big bag?” He told me to just use it even if my stuff will only fill it half full.

On the first day of my arrival, he took me in a bus to a huge convention center. Only then I knew that I was supposed to help him source for suppliers for some products for his company. There were at least 15,000 people and over 5,000 booths in the convention center. It was divided into several sections: home equipment, machinery, hardware, heavy equipment and others. As we walked from booth to booth, I realised the myth that “China’s products has low quality” has expired. The finishing for chinese products was above my father’s and my expectations.

When my dad saw something interesting, he would ask me to ask the exhibitor for a catalogue. Then, I would help him ask the exhibitor for the price and other details. This was hard because my mandarin isn’t perfect and there were many hardware terms I had never heard of. Luckily, the exhibitor was smart enough and tried other ways to explain to me by using alternative mandarin words and showing me the catalogue. Only then I understood what he was trying to say.

Most of the exhibitors are manufacturers with a minimum order quantity of 3000. This doesn’t favour the Malaysian market. If we ever brought in such a huge amount of products, it would take us more than a year to clear the stock! Some smaller companies had more flexible conditions since they do not mass produce. However, it was hard communicating with some of them because they spoke Cantonese. Moreover, my dad kept interrupting the exhibitor and me when he thought I was translating something wrong. That was really annoying. For example, he will tell me to ask the exhibitor about the condenser in a refrigerator unit. As I was searching for the right words, he kept pointing at the exterior of the condenser (in the refrigerator). Obviously the exhibitor did not know what he was talking about, because my dad looked like he was just pointing at the base of the refrigerator.

This trip taught me to be patient with my dad. After all, he IS my employer and I am getting paid for this. “China is going to be a strong economic soon.” That is what my dad always said. This quote means more to me after this trip to Guang Zhou because I have experienced it myself. On the last day, the accumulated amount of samples and catalogues we brought back weighed more than half of our total baggage. Only then did I realise what that huge bag was for.

Malaysian Institute of Baking (MIB) Baking Course

2007-09-30T22:55:00.002+08:00

Here's the website:
http://www.mib.edu.my/v2/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=98&Itemid=97

Objective:
To have a better understanding of pastry ingredients

Table of Contents:
1. Introduction

2. Breads

2.1 Tin Bread

2.2 Health Breads

2.3 Buns

2.4 Danish Pastries

2.5 Specialty Breads

3. Pastries

3.1 Oriental Pastries

3.2 Puff Pastries

3.3 Cream Puffs

3.4 Pies

3.5 Tarts

3.6 Cookies

4. Cakes

4.1 Butter Cakes

4.2 Sponge Cakes

4.3 Fruit Cakes

4.4 Continental Cakes

4.5 Cheese Cakes

4.6 Muffins

Synopsis/Executive Summary
The course was 2 months long, comprising 25 classes at the Malaysian Institute of Baking. Classes were held 3 times a week on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday; from 6pm to 10pm and on Mondays and Wednesdays, 1pm till 5pm on Saturdays.

1. Introduction
Classes were divided into 3 modules: breads, pastries and cakes. The course started with the bread module and ended with the cake module. The level of difficulty increased as I moved on to the next module. There were approximately 10 groups in the class. Each group had 4 members that were lead by a senior member of the institute. The leader’s responsibilities were to demonstrate certain complicated baking processes and guide me while I replicate the process. If I make mistakes or errors, she will show me how to fix it. Before each class, I must wear my uniform which includes an apron and a cap. Also, I have to wash my hands with soap and dry them. Notes that are used for the whole module are given out before hand. These notes are important as they consist of recipes and instructions that are to be followed throughout the course.

2. Breads
For this module, I was taught the basics of bread making. Generally, the first step is to mix the ingredients using an electric mixer with a dough hook. After the dough is fully formed, it is left on the table to rise for a period of time. The bread making module is basically divided into 5 sections: Tin breads, health breads, buns, Danish pastries and specialty breads.

2.1 Tin Breads

Most tin breads are put into tins before they are baked in an oven. These are the most common breads seen on breakfast tables.

2.2 Health Breads

Health breads are preferred by some because they are the only breads that are steam-baked.

2.3 Buns

All buns have various fillings that are wrapped in before they are baked. They have a wide range of shapes.

2.4 Danish Pastries

Danish pastries have only 2 designs: croissant and Danish. However, they can have different fillings.

2.5 Specialty Breads

This section has a wide variety of breads. For example, brioche, pretzel, and cinnamon roll.

3. Pastries
For this module, I learned the practical use of any of the company’s products like sodium benzoate, vanilla beans and shortening. This module is the most complicated due to its complexity and a high reliance on written and verbal guides. It is also very diverse in terms of process and products.

3.1 Oriental Pastries

Moon cakes and kaya kok are traditional oriental pastries.

3.2 Puff Pastries

Puff pastries do not use yeast or other common methods to raise the flour. Instead, it uses a special technique which involves steam and fat.

3.3 Cream Puffs

Cream puffs are sweet, puffy and light. They consist mainly of cream.

3.4 Pies

Pies are categoried into 2 types: sweet and savoury. Pies have a nice crust with fillings like baked apple or chicken.

3.5 Tarts

Tarts are small and bite-sized; they are sweet and moist.

3.6 Cookies

Cookies are sweet and crunchy.

4. Cakes
For this module, I learned that there are 2 basic methods for all cakes: flour batter method and sugar batter method. For the first method, egg, sugar, dextrose and emulsifier are whisked first. This is called the sponge. It is then placed into a bowl. The flour and fat mixture is then prepared. The sponge will be slowly blended into the flour and fat mixture to ensure that its texture is smooth. For the second method, the wet ingredients like egg, margarine and butter are mixed first. Then the dry ingredients are added. This method is much simpler. But the 2 methods give a different kind of texture to the finished product.

4.1 Butter Cakes

Butter cakes have 15-20% of fat. They are moist and light. They are also the easiest cakes to make.

4.2 Sponge Cakes

Sponge cakes are very light. They are whisked for a longer time to beat more air into the sponge.

4.3 Fruit Cakes

The taste of fruit cakes are entirely up to the chef. There are many fruits that taste good when added into a cake, for example, cherries, raisins and orange peels.

4.4 Continental Cakes

Continental cakes have around 3 layers. Depending on what is the theme of the cake, cream, fruits, chocolate and other ingredients can be inserted in between the layers. A lot of cream is also used to decorate the cake alongside with cherries, nuts, canned fruits and chocolate. These cakes can also be custom designed for customers.

4.5 Cheese Cakes

Cheese cakes have more than 30% cheese. There are 2 types of cheese cakes, baked and non-baked.

4.6 Muffins

Muffins are like mini cakes poured into muffin trays. They are tasty and sweet. Ingredients like chocolate chips, blueberries, raisins and almond can be added to the mix.

4. Conclusion
The course gave me a hands-on way opportunity to learn about the company’s products. I would suggest that all marketing executives take this course before meeting customers because it would prepare them to answer questions that are not in leaflets or broaches.

Here I Lie...

2007-09-18T17:38:00.000+08:00

Here I lie,
Awaken from the lies
Awaken from the dream
That trapped myself within

The endless dream of life,
The endless tunnel of darkness
Yet I thought there was light
A light thought to be divine

I never cared who lit it
I never cared to maintained it
Until I was hit from something
That jerked me from behind

I turned around and back
The light was suddenly gone
I stood up for the first time in years
In years that seemed in decades

Around I looked
Around I stared
I got back down
Watching in despair

The light had no beginning
The light had no source
The light had no substance
The light could have never been there

The light was in my head
The light was in my mind
Made me think I was safe
Made me think I was fine

Now I stand up looking
Walking to explore
Wondering what made me sit down
And imagine that little light

I couldn’t remember how
Or why I end up there
But here I am right now
That’s what matters today

What had hit me from behind?
A friend whom I just left behind
Putting on her a tag
“Failure without hope”

You may ask me why
That I cannot say
For word cannot explain
What had happened that time

The story ends like this
With just a little twist
We may not ever talk again
That girl I’ll never miss

911

2007-07-04T11:43:00.001+08:00

911, whenever we see or hear that number, we relate it to what happen on that tragic day, September 11th, 2001. The day the whole world was shocked with terror. Many watched the news and thought it to be some kind of April fools joke because it seemed so unreal and unbelievable. But it was real; two planes hijacked by terrorist, flew right into each of the World Trade Center towers in New York. After awhile, both the buildings collapsed killing more than 2500 people.

How did such an engineering marvel fall into dust just because a plane crashed into it? There were many theories to how it happened but only one was supported by the American Government. When the plane flew right into the tower, it crashed right into the core of the structure. The jet fuel then spread all over the inner structure, igniting a few floors simultaneously. After that, the fire continued to burn for one to two hours reaching more than 1000°C, enough to weaken the steel columns that held one floor above the other. When the columns gave way, the floors buckled up and crashed down creating a chain effect. This was how the skyscraper fell to dust.

Alternatively, around 25% of the Americans believe that mere fire from a jet fuel is not enough to bring the World Trade Center towers down. Steven E. Jones, a physicist at Brigham Young University, argued that a building will never collapse vertically downwards without demolition charges. After studying the video which recorded the collapse of the World Trade Center towers, analysers found a few mini explosions coming out of the tower windows just below the floors that are crashing down. There was no reason for such explosions because no gas or any other flammable materials was allowed up the towers. With that, many people accused the American Government for not telling them the true story.

The effects of this event were devastating. Out of the thousands who were in the World Trade Center towers that day, hardly 20 people escaped before the tower collapsed. Those who were trapped in the upper floors above the fire were dying from the smoke and heat. As many as 200 didn’t want to suffer a painful deaths from the fire and smoke, they rather commit suicide by jumping down the World Trade Center towers. 400 brave rescue workers who went in the towers never came back out again. The office buildings around the towers were badly damaged by the rumbles of the towers. Many schools and office buildings were closed down for the day. Some schools even stopped the children from watching the news because many of them had parents who worked in the World Trade Center towers. Many memorials were constructed around the world in memory of the brave souls who went in to the towers to save people but never returned. In addition to that, some set up funds to help those who became orphans and those who had no other source of income other than their husband or wife who died in that tragic event.

Even after months of that event, the effects rippled across the entire world affecting all countries’ economy. Many airports had their profits cut down drastically; tourist areas like Disney Land were almost empty because people were afraid of another attack. The share market dropped a few folds, causing many to lose their life savings. In fear of the banks getting bomb, many withdrew their money from their banks causing the banks to go empty. Everywhere around the world, bomb treats made many office building workers to evacuate. For example someone send a bomb treat to the IBM building in Taman Tun Dr. Ismail and forced everyone in that worked in that building to have a unofficial holiday. The relationship between Muslims and non-Muslims became worst. People avoided Muslims fearing them to have a link with the terrorist. Some Muslims were even beaten up by angry non-Muslims who accused them for terrorism. And the worst was just hardly after a month, the United States of America declared war on Afghanistan. Thousands of American soldiers were sent there to fight “for their country” far away from their country. The citizens hated the foreigners and suicide bombers blasted many of the army camps there. During the war, every now and then there will be news on how many were killed by bombs. How bout those not mentioned? Nobody knows what else happened there.

What’s going on in the world today? A war became an answer to the September 11th attack? Almost 3000 people died on that day, isn’t that enough? The blame was put on Osama bin Laden, one person, just one person. And because of that one person, they attacked the entire nation looking for that one person. Even after one whole year of bombing caves after caves in search of Osama bin Laden, they still weren’t satisfied. We were taught not to hold grudges. But the whole American Government spent more time and money to look for that one person who was accused of the September 11th attack instead of channeling those funds to help the victims.

Dragon Ball and Sailor Moon!

2007-07-04T10:54:00.001+08:00

What is Japan famous for? If you ask any teenager today they would definitely shout “Japanese anime!” Japanese anime popularly refers to animation originating in Japan. One of Asia’s most famous Japanese anime from 20 years ago is Dragon Ball. Dragon Ball is a story about a special boy who is constantly battling evil beings to protect the world. Another famous Japanese anime from 10 years ago is Sailor Moon, which is generally credited with popularizing the concept of a team of magical girls who protect the world from the Dark Kingdom. These anime both have heroes who dedicate themselves to protect the world. In the process, they train hard to increase their capabilities to achieve their goal. But they both have very different attitudes.

All anime has a main character that is unique. The hero in Dragon Ball is a boy named Son Goku. He is special because he has a tail of a monkey. He is cute but has a limited vocabulary because he grew up in the wild. Since he is from the wild, where did he get his Kung Fu outfit that he always wears? Unlike Dragon Ball, the heroine in Sailor Moon is a teenage girl named Usagi Tsukino. She has a slim body, long beautiful golden hair and a pair of huge eyes that takes up almost half her face. When in battle mod, she wears a Japanese high school uniform with a ribbon in the middle and a pair of white gloves and red boots. She is also equipped with a golden tiara and a pair of large red hair pins.

Even though they both are defenders of the weak, they do it in very different ways. For example, Son Goku increases his physical strength by training in order to beat his opponents down. He can also shoot a beam of energy from his palms at his enemy. In addition, Son Goku possesses a magical stick which can extend to whatever length according to his will. He also has a piece of mini cloud that he rides on. But he mainly uses his fist to teach his opponents a lesson. In contrast, Usagi Tsukino uses magical items to attack her opponents while standing pretty far away from them. For example, she will use her wand to shoot a beam of light towards her enemy. Sometimes she even uses her hair pins as projectile weapons. And the funniest thing is that she uses her make up kit to transform into her battle mode.

Despite them having super powers, Son Goku and Usagi Tsukino lead a normal life too. Thus, they also have normal problems. For example, Son Goku later got married and had a wife that he was afraid of. One time, he wanted to bring his son to help battle an enemy but his wife scolded him and said his son’s education is more important than saving the world. He then had to escape before his wife “slaughtered” him. One the other hand, Usagi Tsukino has a personality of a typical teenage girl. But she is lazy and has academic problems; she gets pretty low grades in her exams. However, she still is a happy girl who enjoys shopping and dressing up. She is afraid of dentists and ghost, but when it comes to fighting, she is serious and will not show mercy towards her enemies.

These two distinctive characters are obviously very different in many ways. But to gain popularity, these characters were created with a lot of humor. These Japanese anime were published so many years ago yet they are still remembered till this day. If you search them up the internet, you will find fan sites dedicated to Dragon Ball and Sailor Moon. They achieved cult status because they were one of the pioneers of today’s anime.

D Car

2007-06-09T10:43:00.000+08:00

A wheeled passenger vehicle that carries its own motor, designed to run primarily on roads, is known as a motor car. A person undergoing a period of psychological, social, and physical transition between childhood and adulthood is known as a teenager. These two combined, you get “Ninja and his red Daihatsu”.

Who’s Ninja? He is the one who roams the world between different dimensions, seeking truths about facts that are beyond the understanding of other beings that lack the abilities Ninja has. (Well, dimensions here I mean places like Petaling Jaya and Sungai Buloh. Facts here I mean things he learns in college. Other beings I mean animals.)

What’s a Daihatsu? "Daihatsu" is a combination of the first Japanese character for Osaka and the first of the word "engine manufacture"; when put together they are pronounced "dai hatsu". It’s small, light, with a trendy aero back which allows it to maneuver between cars with great flexibility and finesse.

These two were destined to meet. The heavens itself planned their congregation. The mist that blinds many other beings from the ultimate goal of life was then lifted. Ninja was free to see into the beyond and the Daihatsu could take him there.

Many could not understand why Ninja had such a sacred bond with his red Daihatsu. It looked old, rusted and incapable of guaranteeing the safety of its passengers. But they are fooled by the car’s disguise. “Kami” (Japanese ancient spirits) of transporters could tell that this is no ordinary old car, but an avatar of freedom which breaks the shackles of seclusion.

Ninja’s mother became insignificant because he did not need to rely on her to take him around. Ninja’s friends grew closer, because many of them did not have a car and they always enjoyed the ride in Ninja’s Daihatsu. Ninja’s happiness was well enhanced.

There were a few tricks Ninja could do with his red Daihatsu because it was a manual with an Un-powered steering wheel. He could screech his tires, he could make the passengers feel like they’re riding a horse and some other little tricks many others could not do with automatic cars.

He was also generous with his vehicle. He always offered to take some of his friends home even though most of the time it is out of the way. Between classes, he would bring a few of his friends to go catch a movie at the cinema nearby. During scouts gatherings he would help buy some supplies and transport it to the gatherings. A few times he fetched his date in his car to shopping malls where they had dinner.

Two years later, Ninja’s father bought a new BMW and there were now 4 cars in the house. There was no place for the Daihatsu anymore, so his father sold the car. His father then let Ninja use his older BMW to drive to work. It was nothing like his good old red Daihatsu.

Ninja and his red Daihatsu were still linked by wonderful memories of the good times they had together although someone else owns the red Daihatsu now: The times he drove on an empty highway up to almost 140km/hour; the times he took up to seven people in the car; the times he took his girlfriend out for many a memorable date. These will stay with him forever no matter what other cars he drives today.

The red Daihatsu was 17 years old when it came to the possession of Ninja. The only new thing in it was its engine; it was only 5 years old. The radio was not working, the speakers were broken. So Ninja took it to the car accessory shop and got a new radio and a set of modern looking speakers for his Daihatsu.

He was really happy with the new toys the car had. Even though it was a gloomy day with rain drops flowing down on the windscreen and the wiper cleaning it every few seconds. The traffic back to his house was heavy. Ninja took advantage of jam to set his favorite stations on his radio. Suddenly he felt a bump, he looked up and realised that he had knocked the car in front of him.

That was his first accident. The driver of the car in front got down his car and so did Ninja. They both inspected their cars, Ninja’s car was fine, but the bumper of the car in front was broken.

Mother

2007-06-02T10:42:00.002+08:00

You said not to celebrate mother’s day,
You said all you wanted was for me to be better.
I do understand how you feel,
For pass few years I’ve been
Not too nice to you.
I was young, stupid and proud,
Not knowing the world is misty
Hiding the dangers within
That my eyes could never have seen.
And now I finally realized,
How much you guided me
Through that mist of life.
Supporting me from behind,
Protecting me from being harmed.

One day I decided to look back a little,
And saw you there behind me.
Can’t believe you have always been there,
Even after countless times
The times I push you far away,
The times I poked you with sharp sticks,
Treating you like a torn in my flesh,
But you’ve always returned to me.
Always close to me,
Always loving me.

Afraid

2007-06-02T10:42:00.001+08:00

I’m afraid I couldn't say it...
I'm afraid the time hasn't come yet...
I'm afraid you will not have enough time...
I'm afraid you will be too busy, soon...
I’m afraid our parents will deny us...
I’m afraid you have someone else...
I’m afraid I’ll be leaving too soon...
I’m afraid we don’t really match...
I’m afraid I’ll get hurt again...
I’m afraid I’m not good enough...
I’m afraid you think you’re too young...
I’m afraid of my past memories...
I’m afraid that this is out of my reach...
I’m afraid that it won’t work out...
I’m afraid of many things...

But I push them all away,
And just say that I love you....

I ran out of ideas for the Prince

2007-06-02T10:36:00.001+08:00

So here are some nice poems of mine... =)

"The Wall"

You told me there was a wall, but I mistook it as a door.
I was too far back then, to see that stupid wall.
I thought you couldn’t see me too that’s why I walked closer.
But as I came closer, I got too excited.
I decided to run, giving in to temptation.
I thought things will change, as I got nearer.
I thought the door would open soon, but there was never a door.
Just when I was an inch a way, I opened my eyes a little wider.
That’s when I realise, the door was never there.
The wall was always a wall, it shut her in and kept me out...

Tripped

2007-06-02T10:34:00.000+08:00

I think I just tripped, and fell in love with u...
It’s not something I wanted, for it’s been far too long...
Forgotten how to control it, I’m rolling down a hill...
It’s not something I wanted, for it’s far too complicated...
I see a future so bright, I’m like a morph to a flame...
It’s not something I wanted, I hate losing control...
Will the flame get blown away, by a subtle yet deadly breeze?
It’s not something I wanted, I don’t want to grief again...
But yet nothing I can do, but to just hope for the best...
It’s not something I wanted, oh god please guide me through...

Sorry for not writing...

2007-06-02T10:30:00.000+08:00

My grandfather just passed away, and I was down in Melacca for quite a long time...

Here's a poem for him...

Death

They say life is like a candle lit,
It goes out at the slightest wind.
But I think that’s not true a bit,
Even after the flame has dimmed.

I believe the fire never goes out,
After death has come about.
Instead it goes to another place,
To forever burn and be at peace.

It goes to the place that rain can’t touch,
The place where winds don’t matter much,
A place so high up in the sky,
A place where only angels fly.

After death, we do not die,
Because up there in darkened sky,
A candle flame becomes star-bright,
It’ll shine forever an immortal light.

The Prince

2007-05-06T15:03:00.001+08:00

Chapter 2

King Mathara had an elder son back then. His name was Gathan. He was tall and strong, trained by the best general in the country. The king was very proud of Gathan and would always bring him along during hunting trips.

Gathan commanded his country’s army during the war. The war went on for many months. Prince Gathan’s army was smaller than the enemy’s, but he trained his soldiers about the importance of teamwork and battle tactics. Their small number didn’t seem to matter at all as they fought vigilantly.

Five months into the war, Prince Gathan developed a new strategy. He would deceive the enemy by baiting them into his trap while pretending to retreat. While the enemy thought they had won the battle, he would lead two groups of his best soldiers to attack from behind.

He went through this strategy with his army many times making sure they understood each of their roles. When he assured them this would end the war, his whole army roared with enthusiasm.

The next day arrived. Prince Gathan arranged for the “retreating” soldiers to ride the fastest horses they had. Prince Gathan also ordered his soldiers to cut some bushes and tied them up in a bundle. Two groups of his best soldiers would be hiding behind these “bushes” waiting for the enemy to take the bait.

Sure enough, the enemy was so excited thinking that they had won the war that they didn’t even bother keeping in line and rushed out chasing the “retreating” soldiers. Prince Gathan and his army waited patiently for the right moment to spring their attack.

When Prince Gathan was ready to give the signal to charge in, suddenly the soldiers started screaming for help! Prince Gathan turned around and to his horror, he saw his soldiers being slaughtered by the enemy!

Prince Gathan tried to regain control of his troops but they were in shock and ran about like wild animals. Even though he fought as bravly as he could but without his troops, even a hero will fall.
They were betrayed by a traitor who valued bribes more than loyalty. He was the one who leaked precious information about their strategy. Thus, the war was lost.

The Prince

2007-05-06T15:03:00.000+08:00

Chapter 1

Once, there was a prince named Vidaya. He indulged himself with all kinds of rich food. But after every meal, he would complain about how bad the food was. The king and queen thought that maybe he was lonely. So they invited many princesses from other countries over, hoping that after he found his true love, he would change for the better. But the prince rejected them all. Every night Prince Vidaya would drink many bottles of wine and liquor till he was very drunk.

The king was old and wise. His name was Mathara. He was the first king who actually patrolled his own country to make sure there was minimal crime. The queen’s name was Minathire. The queen was from a village not too far away from the palace.

When she was younger, she used to entertain people from her village by performing magic tricks. She would make huge elephants disappear and would blow big fire out of her mouth. Some say she is a sorcerer. When king Mathara was still a prince, he would watch her perform every week. Years later, the king finally married her.

The king was a good king who was respected by everyone except his son, Prince Vidaya. But things weren’t always like that. There was a time when there was peace and harmony in the palace; a time when everyone would ride horses in the palace park; a time when Prince Vidaya was a happy boy. But it ended when the country went to war; a war which happened ten years ago.

The war happened because of something really small. Prince Vidaya and the neighbouring country’s prince were playing a game. Suddenly, the latter accused Prince Vidaya of cheating but Prince Vidaya denied it.

The king of the other country loved his son so much that he threatened war with King Mathara if Prince Vidaya would not admit he cheated. Prince Vidaya was young back then and kept denying he cheated which, in truth, he did. King Mathara and Queen Minathire tried to persuade him to tell the truth but he was as stubborn as a mule.

So, in the end, war was declared.

You came, you go...

2007-05-06T10:57:00.000+08:00

You came, just like many others.
Our path crossed, just like how it always does.
And we moved on, just like what was destined.

People come and go; it’s something really normal.
Sometimes stopping and waving, and we’ll return a smile.
But after they have gone, the prints are left behind.

Some leave hidden prints, which are never seen.
Some leave fading prints, which are washed away.
Some carve in their prints, deep into our heart.

I look at all these prints. It do not give good memories.
But as I look closer, they look like scars of battles.

Battles that are fought, deep within me.
Battles that are fought, even when I sleep.

I try to rub the scars off, but it refuses to go.
I try to scratch it off, but it only grows.

I guess its there to remind me,
The past is always real.
No matter how I hide it,
No matter how I sew it in.

Memories of the past,
I shall accept you now.
Denying you, is useless,
Thus, learning from you I shall.

Love Experience

2007-04-27T10:29:00.000+08:00

Read Slowly...

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most?
Saying something and wishing you hadn't?, or
Saying nothing and wishing you had?

I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. Don’t be afraid to tell someone you love them.

If you do, they might break your heart...if you don't, you might break theirs.

Have u ever decided not 2 become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person?

Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't.
You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own...when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to.

Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you?

Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all.

Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?

We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.

But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger.

Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump.

Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had.

* What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say good-bye?

*What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there?

*What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt? (even if you don't care about him anymore)

*What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them?

*What would you do if you never got the chance to say I am friends with all of my family and they know I love them?*

People live, but people die. I want to tell you that you are a friend.

If you died tomorrow (God Forbid)

you would be in my heart.
But would I be in yours?

You might be best friends one year, pretty good friends the next year, don't talk that often the next, and don't want to talk at all the year after that.

So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life.

I look up to you, respect you, truly cherish you , and most of all I CARE about you because you are my true friend.

Remember, everyone needs a friend. Someday you might feel like you have NO FRIENDS at all, when that day comes, please remember me and take comfort in knowing I will always care about you. All you have to do, is just give me a call, and I will do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING to make you happy again...

Liars and Lies...

2007-03-12T12:40:00.000+08:00

“Honesty is the best policy”

How many times have you heard of this quote? How many times have you said something untrue just to get away from something? We can hardly remember how many times we lied and more importantly, how many of those lies were to ourselves.

A girl in the movie “The Departed” said lying is necessary to balance the scale in which a relationship is at stake. Do you believe in that? I personally don't, because I believe that a relationship should be transparent, that is of course if you wanted the relationship to last in the first place. Actually, it’s not just couples who lie; businessman also claim lying is totally unavoidable. But is that really true? Are we all damned to commit such sins?

I personally was a devil myself back in secondary school; I lied at every juncture I could. I was an intelligent kid who was able to monitor most of my lies well enough to make me feel good about it. But as the Chinese say, “paper can’t hold fire”, slowly, I started to lose control of situations.

All the lies were draining my strength away but I did not realize it. I didn’t know why I was so exhausted. I thought I was just getting old. But no, when your mind is not at peace, you will be drained mentally whether you are aware of it or not. I slowly went into a depression. I started to sleep a lot but I was still tired. I got easily agitated by really small things. I hated my life and blamed everyone around me for my miseries. Finally, I decided that I was on my own in this whole wide world; which made my situation even worst.

Only much later, I knew I was ill. I told my parents that but my parents didn’t take it seriously. They thought it was just another phase I was going through. Yes, they were right, but this phase was more critical. I went to speak with the psychologist in my college who wasn’t helpful at all.

I was suffering the consequences of my sins. Everyday was hell for me; I wanted to die. I thought of ridiculous fantasies. Not about girls or whatsoever, but about how miraculously a meteor would fall from the sky and hit me, or how I would just spontaneously combust and die (I watched a documentary about spontaneous combustion).

My depression was from March 2005 to October 2005. After I recovered from it, the problem wasn’t exactly over. I swung to the other extreme end of depression, a state called manic. No body around me knew what it was. Thus, I went head on into this mental condition I never knew existed. Within 2 months, I was hospitalized.

Only then, I realized I had a condition called bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression). I was the first among my friends and family to have this illness. The doctor said it runs in the family. Some of my other uncles and aunties went through similar tough times when they were younger too. It’s just that the degree of my illness was much worst.

This illness takes around 2 years to stabilize. During these 2 years I have to be extra careful with my mood swings. In someway, I’m blessed with this condition because I am forced to learn how to maintain my calmness 24/7. I can’t afford to lose control of my mood because my mental state is so fragile.

Now, I am clearer where my limits are. Amazingly, in some ways, my limits grew wider than ever in my entire life. Now I know how to avoid certain people and places that stresses me out, I live a free life that actually improved my aspects of life dramatically. Somehow, I’m better at everything I do. My basketball skills increased, I play Magic: the Gathering card games better, my relationship with all my friends and family improved, and the list just goes on.

I’m not sure why this is happening. There seem to be no way I’ll ever walk into a bad situation ever again. I know it is just a feeling but I really do hope it last forever. But as the pali word “anicca” explains, this will come to pass too.

Polina Semionova

2007-03-10T20:34:00.000+08:00

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Polina Semionova, born in Moscow in 1984, is considered one of today's most talented female ballet dancers. Originally studying at Bolshoi Ballet School, Ms. Semionova has won many awards; including among the top a gold medal at the Moscow International Ballet Competition 2001, First Prize at the Vaganova-Prix Ballet Competition in St Petersburg 2002, and Junior Prize at the Nagoya (Japan) International Ballet Competition 2002. Polina is also known for dancing with Vladimir Malakhov, touring Japan with him, and is the dancer in Herbert Grönemeyer's music video De Letzter Tag.

Graduating from the Bolshoi in 2002, she joined the Berlin Staatsoper Ballet as a principal when she was 18 years old. She showed her outstanding talent by winning several international ballet competition awards. She has toured in Japan partnering Vladimir Malakhov. In Germany she is also known as the ballerina dancing in Herbert Grönemeyer's music video "Demo (Letzter Tag)".

In 2006, at the age of 19, she performed in the English National Ballet’s Swan Lake and was praised by English critics for her performance.. She made the cover of Berlin’s ballettanz magazine in March of the same year, in an issue focusing on beauty. Despite the pressure such notoriety places on a young dancer, Semionova handled it well through her U.S. debut as Aurora in the California Ballet's Sleeping Beauty, demonstrating her natural charm and clear technique.

My Life's Story...

2007-03-02T10:50:00.000+08:00

I am a typical 20 year-old-male that has been through the “teen-age” and have submerge into the world of the adults. This is my story...

When I was young, songs that I hear on the radio sometimes sound so real that it freaks me. And I begin to wonder if the radio is talking to me or not, or does the artist who wrote this song already knew what I was going through and wrote the lyrics specially for me? During these times, memories from the past will clutter my mind. This is when I seek distractions, anything at all to make me not think about the real world. Computer games, drinking, smoking and others are what I did to push aside these emotions like jealousy, depression and anger, which seem totally unavoidable. My parents wonder why I do these things, but in reality, I am just a reflection of who they are. I see in myself, some part of me is gradually growing into what my parents are today. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, the fear of what I will become just keeps getting worst.

Why are these things happening to me? Why not him? Or her? They seem really happy! These other people I see walking in the malls, hand in hand with their love ones. Why are they so happy when all of us are going to die in the end anyway? What are they trying to accomplish? What gives them the enthusiasm that they have? Is it because they are Christians? Christians always seem really happy. They always have these church camps that they participate and I see all these happy faces in the pictures. Why wasn’t I born a Christian? These were the questions I used asked God everyday. These are the times I begin to open my bible, trying to understand what is in there that made Christian’s life so much easier than the rest. I was born a Buddhist. And I envied the Christians ever since I heard their laughter and the music they played during a Christian Fellowship (CF) meeting at my secondary school. I tried to be one of them; I tried asking them if I could come for their meetings. None of them sincerely welcomed me.

A Buddhist I was fated to be, a Buddhist without a goal. I totally had no idea what being a Buddhist was all about. I see my mom bow before the Buddha. I totally didn’t know what that was for but I followed. My mom goes to the temples every now and then to pray. I really didn’t know how the heck that would make her happy. Until one fine day, my parents did something new. They went for a Vipassana course (Insight meditation).

When they came back, they taught me a little about what being a Buddhist is truly about. The first thing I learnt is that there is no such thing as being a Buddhist because Buddhism is not a religion. It is a way of life. I can be a Christian while practicing Buddhism. In the Buddist scriptures, they also explain how one would go to haven if one does good deeds; if one does bad things in his life, he would go to hell. This comforted me a lot for I do believe God exist. But Buddhism doesn’t mention just about one God, they believe there are many Gods; guarding many other planes of existence. These “other beings” that live in different planes of existence sometimes come in contact with us. Maybe these are the Angels and Holy Ghosts, or the Devil and Demons that the Holy Bible tells us about. But Buddhists believe that there is a higher goal than just going to haven after they die. Their ultimate goal is reaching a state called Nirvana, a path of no return.

In year 2004, I went to the same course my parents attended. This first course meant nothing to me because the only reason that I went is because my parents would not let me have a driving license until I sat for a Vipassana course. So, during the course, I slept as much as I could (the fastest way to make time fly), I ate as much as I could (because I was bored) and I did many other stupid things. After that 11 days, I went took my driving test and I got my license.

I enjoyed my new found freedom after I got my car license. Even though I was driving a really old red Daihatsu Charade with manual transmission AND non-powered steering wheel with fading colours, I was happy. I didn’t need to bother about scratching my car, losing my car or anything of that sort. I was wild and took the car everywhere I could. Going to friends house as often as I can, driving all the way to Segambut to play futsal, then to Old Klang Road to play in Cyber Cafes.

My parents practically lost both their sons. One’s in US, the other is never seen at home. I would only come home to eat, sleep and go on the computer. I didn’t want to talk to my parents because the first words of their sentences would be either “Ning Jia, go to sleep.” or “Ning Jia, have you bathed?” I found it so annoying that I would avoid them when ever I can.

Then came 2005, I had many changes in myself. Not only me, but my entire family totally changed. We really went through MANY thick-and-thins but in the end, we survived. And I totally agree with the saying, “what don’t kill us makes us stronger”. Our family bonds strengthened and the trust we have for each other is something I never knew possible. My parents now have total confidence on what I can do and they don’t worry about me anymore. I can do whatever I want! My parents stop arguing with each other and my house now is a place I would finally call home.

2006 till now: we maintained our bonds with each other. But sometimes, not matter how hard we try not to say things that would hurt each other; we would still say sarcastic things about each other. However, we have learned to tolerate it. As long as we don’t react to things that are unpleasant, the fire would burn out eventually.

Only after these 20 years, I found peace within myself and my family. This path that I am on is so clear, that I don’t need to worry about anything at all. I am doubtless of where I am going and have no need of worrying if I get lost. All I need to do is just walk, and while walking, I enjoy the scenery: the birds singing and the beautiful shade that the trees give me. I don’t need to worry about cross roads because there are none. I don’t even need to rush because I know whatever I seek will always be there. With this thought in mind, I will have the patience, tolerance and wisdom necessary to lead a happy life.

Love...

2007-03-02T10:48:00.000+08:00

Who has not fallen in love before? I dare say no one. Why? Because we are humans, and humans do what humans do. It is like why dogs scratch themselves so hard that they seem to want to scratch their ears away. Just like why a parrot would imitate sounds that it hears. And there is no clear explanation because there are just too many people that have their own opinions.

I am a 20 year old teen that still has a lot to learn about life. On my way on this long journey, I have fell in love at least a dozen times. But only now, I realize what love really is. It is not who I love and who I care about, but it is who makes me feel loved and how she makes me feel high. So actually, I only love myself. As selfish as I can be, I realized that I do not love these girls with pretty faces, nice voices and talents that I admire. But I love the way I feel when I sit beside them, the way I feel when I am talking with them, and the way I feel when they allow me into their life.

This is no big discovery; there are many books and films that warn me about how love really is. Surprisingly, I still took a big portion of my life to realize that I have been knocking into walls build up by these girls for so long that half my brain is already numb. I am so exhausted from running that when I stop for a moment; I get scared by just looking around myself wondering where the hell I am. I have changed so much I can’t recognize myself any more.

Now, I giving up on girls of my age because I realized most of them are so hurt from past relationships that they hide themselves in a tower so high, that they can hardly see who’s knocking at their door at the bottom. Yet, younger girls aren’t any better; because I believe a person must go through a certain crisis in their life to mature. These younger girls are in the comfort zone and are just too naïve about the world.

Girls that are in a relationship sometimes get so busy that they don’t have time to stop, take a few steps back and look at where they are going. It is obvious that they are going in circles. And the sad thing is they do not like changes. They remind me of my parents when they do not want to use a new chair just because the older one is old, still they complain about the old chair every now and then. These girls fog up their own mind so much that they do not see what the world is really like. Until one day, when the fog finally clears up, they realize what they have missed.

Now, when I am courting a girl, I can’t really say whether what I am doing the right thing or wrong thing. Sometimes it is just neutral. I am still a guy that needs to fall in love once in a while to keep me sane. It is just how well I can cope with it and hopefully one day, one girl would understand how I feel and stick with me. This would save me from the pressure of other girls when they wear pretty dresses and talk real nice with me. (Laughs) Because I know these girls just want attention but my stupid heart is sometimes just so uncontrollable.

Happiness...

2007-02-02T19:09:00.000+08:00

If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands! (pa pa pa)
If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands! (pa pa pa)
If you’re happy and you know it and you really wanna show it,
If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands! (pa pa pa)

^,^

The Door that was Never there...

2007-01-26T07:56:00.000+08:00

You told me there was a wall, but I mistook it as a door.
I was too far back then, to see that stupid wall.
I thought you couldn’t see me too that’s why I walked closer.
But as I came closer, I got too excited.
I decided to run, giving in to the temptation.
I thought things will change, as I got nearer.
I thought the door would open soon, but there was never a door.
Just when I was an inch a way, I opened my eyes a little wider.
That’s when I realize, the door was never there.
The wall was always a wall, it shut her in and kept me out...

The Veronicas - Speechless

2007-01-21T21:07:00.000+08:00

Title : Speechless
Artist(s) : Veronicas, The
Album(s) : The Secret Life Of... (2005), Track 8

Feels like I have always known you
And I swear I dreamt about you
All those endless nights I was alone
It's like I've spent forever searching
Now I know that it was worthed
With you it feels like I am finally home

Falling head over heels
Thought I knew how it feels
But with you it's like the first day of my life

'Cuz you leave me speechless when you talk to me
You leave me breathless the way you look at me
You manage to disarm me, my soul is shining through
Can't help but surrender my everything to you

I thought I could resist you
I thought that I was strong
Somehow you were different from what I've known
I didn't see you coming
You took me by surprise and
You stole my heart before I could say no

Falling head over heels
Thought I knew how it feels
But with you it's like the first day of my life

You leave me speechless when you talk to me
You leave me breathless the way you look at me
You manage to disarm me, my soul is shining through
I can't help but surrender my everything to you

You leave me speechless (the way you smile, the way you touch my face)
You leave me breathless (it's something that you do I can't explain)
I'd run a million miles just to hear you say my name
Baby

You leave me speechless
You leave me breathless (the way you look at me)
You manage to disarm me, my soul is shining through
I can't help but surrender my everything to you

Females...

2007-01-10T09:32:00.000+08:00

“There were a few that were interesting, but none that were exceptional.” – Words from... well, I thought she was exceptional, but since she herself said none were exceptional... hmm... tongue tied... >,<

Starting from last year, I have changed my ways of looking for friends. For the better or worse, it’s a change. In the old days, I use to make an effort of knowing as many people as I can, introducing myself to all and I mean ALL. Thus, I had many friends indeed, knowing many from other schools, young or old, through the activities I join and the tuitions I attended.

I was immature back then, I have known many females back in my days, few WERE interesting, in those few, some were also exceptional, but sadly, I didn’t keep them. People like... err... crap... lol I can’t remember any exceptional ones from DJ at this moment... >,< ok, after 5 secs, maybe Rachel Ngu, and erm... Wey Yiing? Either way, I didn’t keep them either... personally I don’t think Wey Yiing likes me allot allot... can’t blame her too, I was a jerk back in my secondary school days...

Non-DJ people I know a few, like Loo Penny, Alicia Chow, Emily Chan, Serena, Lydia (all these from DU... lol) and Jo (from er... I forgot where... lol but I met her in OBS) all these people are amazing people. They may not be the best scores, not the prettiest people I’ve seen, but the most wholesome... they all are going to be successful in life I’m sure... they all are such nice people that I really can’t see them going the wrong way in life.

Well, I guess I gotta mention I few guys too... lol like Brian (also known as “Z”) from tailors CPU now (also met him in OBS), Jonathan Lim (DU-ian), and of course my best friend Adrian Lim and Junde.

And oh yea! My cousins!! Adelle and Anthea... they’re great people too, so are they’re cousins (no no, not me, but they’re father side’s)... thanks to great parents like my aunt and uncle... =P

And all these years, of all the special people I met, I could click with them. Not until I met you... so yea, don’t tell me they are many fishes in the sea, because of all those fishes, only few are interesting... in those few, hardly a handful are exceptional... and in that handful, only ONE is edible...

Poem 101

2007-01-07T08:47:00.000+08:00

This poem is edited from the song lyric "My Selene" by Sonata Arctica which is originally a really beautiful lyric...
This is the only poem I blogged that isn't original, I apologize if I offended Sonata Arctica or any of his fans for doing so...

Solitude's upon my skin
A life that's bound by the chains of reality
Would you let me be your Endymion?

I won't bathe in your moonlight, and slumber in peace
Enchanted by your smile, which is forever missed

But until we unite
I live for that night
Wait for time
Two souls entwine

In the break of new dawn
My hope is forlorn
Shadows, they will fade
I'm always in the shade

Serene and silent sky
Rays of moon are dancing with the tide
A perfect sight, a world divine

And I...

The loneliest child alive
Always waiting, searching for my rhyme
I'm still alone in the dead of night

Silent I lie with smile on my face,
Appearance deceives and the silence betrays

As I wait for the time
My dream comes alive
Always out of sight
But never out of mind

In the end, I'm enslaved by my dream
In the end, a cliff devours me, it seems

Hidden from daylight, I'm sealed in my cave
Trapped in a dream, turning to a nightmare
Where I'm all alone...
Venial is life when you're but a dream
The book’s still open, the pages empty, like me...

I cling to a hope that's beginning to fade,
Trying to break the desolation I hate

By the light of new day
I'll fade away
Reality cuts deep
My mistakes begins to seep

Sonata Arctica

2007-01-06T07:03:00.000+08:00

I’m so tied up... I really need to say I love you... I really do... it churns me inside so much, that if I don’t let it out, the weight in my heart will just multiply... and drag me down to the floor... I’m sorry, but I have to tell someone that I love you...

Well, technically I could just tell someone that doesn’t know you, but I hope you understand that won’t help much... so here I am, typing it here, half hoping that you might read it...

I really love you shaleni/selina... I really do...

"Solitude's upon my skin. A life that's bound by the chains of reality. Would you let me be your Endymion?" – Sonata Arctica

not that I understand much of this quote... but well, I guess the first sentence means I’m bound to be lonely, my life is tied up by many things (e.g. me not suppose to say "I love you" to you... >,< [it's just an example... =P]). The last part is well, no biggy...

sigh... if you do find out about this post... I’m really sorry you gotta read it... but I really can’t help it, I hope you won’t get mad... >,< if you don’t, well, at least I had the comfort of letting it out... =)

Love? Depends how you define it...

2007-01-03T08:11:00.000+08:00

I talked with her, she said she was shocked (yet again) after reading my blog. She really cares about not waiting me to wait, I don’t doubt her intentions... but I’m a person who doesn’t even believe my mom is my mom 100% because who knows? Someday she might just reveal that I’m adopted? Well, it’s just an example showing that I’m not a person that believes 100% whatever I see or hear or experience so I will never be shocked soo much when I’m faced with the true fact, and that I was lied to for a very long time, I can still function properly.

It’s sad that I have to go through this again, rejection and all these things... I knew I was getting myself into trouble, someone had told me about it and reminded me that (ahh crap, I can’t quote it because it isn’t in my MSN history... ) just before I confessed to her... but that person told me not to linger between the door... so I decided to go out instead....

I wouldn’t say it’s a mistake, some decisions are not wrong nor right... I just told (1/01/06) a good friend about how a person should never regret his or her decisions at these kind of times because really, right and wrong has no perfect line between them, sometimes it’s how to take it that matters... if u REGRET your decision, THAT’s what makes it wrong...

Come to think of it, I love all my friends... I seriously do... someone told me there’s 5 types of love, but I can’t remember what are the 5 types... nevertheless, when I say I love someone, I mean it... so when I say I love all my friends, I really mean it too... I love ALL my family (mom, dad, bro... it goes on to cousin’s cousins... lol), I love Adrian (my best friend since 2002, call me gay all you want... I don’t fucking care...), I love J (this person might be alil taken back by this, so I rather not write his/her name... =P) I love K (actually, seriously, I love everyone around me... the list goes on, but really I don’t think it’s worth keep typing single letter names... lol)...

So yea, I’d still say I love you (*wink wink*), because I do really care about you... and it pains me to see any of my close ones suffering in any manner, so please, when I offer help, accept it, for my intentions are just only to make you happy. I do this to EVERYONE that’s close to me (or at least I try to) so you’re not specially treated in anyway, so please, don’t feel bad or it really really really makes it hard for me. I treat ALL my close ones like that...

Got to go eat breakfast then go college already... I think I’ll be blogging quite frequently these few months... so take care you all and may all beings be happy... =)

Random Post 101

2006-12-30T22:59:00.000+08:00

Lies ARE the currency of the world, I’ve been in that trade world before, I was all out for disguise, to pretend, to have a mask in front of me, to manipulate, to be in control... “The more knowledge you have over me, the more power you have over me” was the words of Shern Ren, back in form 2-3 I can hardly remember... but that struck me, and from then on (maybe sooner, not sure) I was having a mask in front of me, I was the sole guardian of my true self, none other knew me...

I solved my own problems, I helped others out, I was the guy who girls call up when they had problems... but I was alone... (I stopped here the other day and I’m too lazy to continue writing on this... >,<)

Well, day 2 of me loving her so immensely:-
I feel that she’s the one... and I can go on to how great her personality is and blah blah blah, but I feel that everyone that has gone through this situation will know how it’s like and there’s not much point for me to bleb about that here... rather, I’d like to share my experience on this in a different perspective...

As a grown up (well I’m 19 going on 20 in just a few days so I’m as grown up as I can be now... I guess... don’t think that made sense... >,<), I’ve been through this kindda situations 3 times... (well, basically I have 3 ex...) the last one was last year, around the same time (December holidays)... I kind of forgot how it would feel like, u know, these kindda feelings, thinking about her every second of my life (well, not really but it sure seems like it...), thinking how happy I’d be if we were together, how I’d take care of her, how I’d do anything for her, how I’d sacrifice myself for her, how I’d love her most importantly... if only she was mine (well, I don’t mean my property or anything like that [incase those women out there reads this] but I don’t know how to put it in simple and few words)... but sadly, life’s almost never the way you want it...

She says she’s confused on where her heart belongs... and well, it was never with me (never as in never had... >,< hopefully this doesn’t last too long...)

Thinking back, I wasn’t very successful with girls through out my life actually... I didn’t get my first crush, nor did I get my second (when I say crush I mean major ones like I think about her 24/7 for at least a few months), nor my third, nor my forth... only my fifth, I got with her... and that also she dumped me after hardly a week...

Sad huh, my love life... I had girls who liked me, but never enough for me to like them back, or rather, well, honestly, I only am sure about 3 girls who liked me in the past... the rest either there were none other or they were just too shy... not sure.. >.<

Among the girls who liked me, only the first one I think I had a chance... but that was back in primary school, and you know... I don’t know about these things... and I didn’t do anything, I even pretended not to know... so... >,<

The second was just... erm... I rather skip this incase she reads this... same goes for the third... >,< sorry!

So yea, if this is a trend, out of the girls I admired so far, I actually only gotten 1 of them... that was my second ex... my first was just a failure, my third, I rather not talk about it here... this isn’t a very good odd for me... and on top of that, I’m going to Aussie on Feb. 14th... yea.. valentine’s day... not that I had many good valentine’s day or even dated a girl on that day, it was always either with my gf (that time) or just another normal day where I get left out... so I don’t really care much honestly...

So if she were to take in account that if we were on a relationship it would be a long distance relationship, and that she might feel insecure that I’m all the way there and all, I really can’t do much about assuring her that I’ll remain loyal... and ironically, we only met this year and only started talking to each other just like 2 months back... so the excuse of we don’t really know each other is valid...

This is true... but for me, I know that she’s special, she’s different, she’s one in a million... but then again, don’t we all feel that when we’re in love... so these kindda excuse again isn’t valid... but really... she’s different... >,< and I guess I can go on blabbing about I’ll never find another angel like her and so on and so forth...

Since we’re there, this reminds me that I actually wrote a whole essay on a girl I had a crush on (oh crap, I missed this one out when I mentioned about the crushes I had, but this one was a failure too anyway coz she had a bf... till now....) and actually passed it up to teacher to mark... then she asked me to read it out to the class becoz it was soo hilarious... lol i’ll post it here for all to read because it’s quite interesting... ^,^

here it is!!

Crap, because of this thing my templates are all messed up... :( my profile is all the way down there now... sigh... Guess somethings gotta give...

I wish that this relationship I’m trying to have was like a job or university I’m trying to get in... because then I’ll know what exactly I have to do to get it, and if I don’t get it, I know that I’m just not good enough, or I asked too much, or something else, but the reason is clear... but sadly that isn’t true for relationships.... first of all, there’s no entry requirements, u can’t send in your resume, a CV and your final results... I kindda wish I could do that because if good results were an entry requirement of this relationship, oh god, I’d be studying every single second of the day... lol but no, it isn’t like that...

If it were a resume- hey, actually it isn’t a bad idea to send a resume to her... lol I think it would be sweet... well, technically it would be a love letter in a form of a resume... lol k, that would be something I’d do in within 5 days... or rather now, then I’ll get back to this when I feel like to...

Take care people, and if there’s ever anything any of you need that is in my capability, feel free to contact me, I’ll try my best to attend to your needs... =)

The day I Tripped and fell...

2006-12-29T02:59:00.000+08:00

=D

2006-12-28T18:55:00.000+08:00

Just had a long chat with her (around 3 hours) so glad it wasn’t at night... this proves that I can still sleep early while trying to get a girl...
Condition 1 fulfilled!

She doesn’t smoke, she doesn’t drink, she’s smart, she’s intelligent, she’s pretty, she SHORT!! Omg, thank god for that... XD she’s open minded, she’s clear minded, her future is bright, she’s pure (as in know evil but not do evil, not like some people who doesn’t know evil that’s why they don’t do evil, I think it’s important to differentiate that), she’s fun, she’s a happy person, she has interest in people, she is capable, she’s responsible, she’s sensible, she’s rational (hmm, do any of you remember all the moral values? XD she pretty much has all of them... ^,^), etc etc...

I hope this will lead to something in the future, oh god please keep her single till then... >,<

Girls...

2006-12-26T14:06:00.000+08:00

Girls are… actually I rather not say it here… people might get the wrong idea…

This Shit Sucks...

2006-12-24T01:07:00.000+08:00

And again, I'm giving up soon... Why does it have to be so hard?!

Out...

2006-12-12T20:58:00.000+08:00

Ok… I’m out… I’m out of the door going all out… a mistake? Seems like it for now…

The Doorman...

2006-12-10T22:00:00.000+08:00

The Doorman… Standing there, waiting.. and looking as the people walk by… Some will stop, and ask the doorman for a thing or two, like where is certain places, or where to find certain things… The Doorman answers, and the stranger gives thanks and goes away and never appear in the Doorman’s life again…

The Doorman expects nothing… It is his job to be there, to just stand there, waiting for someone that needs help… Whoever that is, he ask for no names, nor anything else, but just help in whatever way he can, either showing the stranger in with a smile on his face, or bringing the stranger in… After that, he resumes his post and smile once in a while at whoever that notices he exist…

Little does the people around him knows, how important his job is… Simply because he makes no impact to anyone he meets, nor he changes anyone’s life directly… but, he is always there, when people needs something, making them feel welcomed and not alone, making them feel appreciated and important, making them feel they are not ignored…

Many people take it for granted, for the Doorman is always there, they expect someone to be there, they expect to be treated as such, they expect that the Doorman will come to them even if they don’t need anything, as long as they are in the view of the Doorman…

The Doorman likes his job, he likes helping people out, he don’t mind if they never even say thanks… but secretly, the Doorman laments… the loneliness in him growing each day, slowly…

He sees through people’s doors, and know how they feel, reacting accordingly, making them feel better… but the people around him don’t see through his, for he’s door has grown far too thick, too frosted… for he has been hurt too many times…

In the pass he opens his door, to a new girl, a new hope… but yet he gives and gives and gives… without knowing the girl just don’t care… yes he says, “I don’t expect a thing.” But that is never possible… Have you tried it? Have you done it? Even though not much, but it still hurts inside… as this went on, he shut his door, bolted it up, adding more layers…

He is afraid now, that the past will repeat itself… despite knowing the possibilities… he tries one more time… really careful this time, not to go too far out…

Half in half out, the door suddenly shuts on him… clipping him in the middle, he is trapped between the door… yet he is still struggles, the decision of going out or to going back in… suffering the pain, the burden, the weight from the door…

He sits here now… typing this shit… staring at the window, which lays blank without a reply…

Has he been ignored? Has he been forgotten? Has he been tricked? Lured to the sweat fantasies he once believed in? He can’t take it much longer… just so you know, the person who tempted him… I got no comments for you, but please… pull him out or push him back in… he is helpless there, suffering… so please… just please do something… just anything…

Magic the Gathering is BACK!

2006-09-17T11:06:00.000+08:00

I got nothing fucking to say… the new magic set is CRAZY!!! Go check it out at : http://www.mtgsalvation.com/spoiler/time-spiral#1223 if you’re a Malaysian and you want to start magic, contact me through this site! And I’ll sponsor you to the prerelease this Saturday and Sunday (23/9/06 – 24/9/06) of course you have to give me your cards… =P

One with Nothingness...

2006-09-15T22:01:00.000+08:00

I’m sorry.. but I couldn’t keep my 5 percepts for long.. I had it for probably slightly longer than 2 weeks only... after that, I couldn’t help but think that lying is still a part of living in this world…

I still believe that if I keep the 5 precepts, I’ll be protected.. I’m not sure whether this is a blind faith and I’ve not exactly experienced it myself.. then why do I believe in it? Isn’t this a world of one man for himself? Is either I twist and turn my way around and maintain my knowledge of the people around me so I would never be outsmarted, or just be careful of my precepts and I wouldn’t be harmed? Is that really possible?

I can’t help but doubt that very much.. at times I still ask god, or whoever’s out there to at least give me a hint.. or rather it’s been a long time since I’ve done it.. but there was once that He did gave me a whole bunch of hints suddenly.. but it was all in illusion.. created by chemical reactions in my head that shouldn’t be happening.. it put me in a world that I always wanted to live in.. a world where everyone’s watching me, they all know my name and the things I’ve done.. and “god” was constantly talking to me..

I was insane.. I was talking to the radio.. the phone with no one at the other side..

It’s over.. a went through allot to get rid of those things.. it’s in the past.. and it’ll never happen again.. I’ve made that promise to the people who cared about me.. and gave soo much to get me back on my feet.. with a right mind..

I’m back now.. and the first thing I did.. that I could remember was to follow the 5 precepts.. it gave me comfort.. it gave me a guide line.. I knew it was safe to follow it.. but what happen? I can’t really remember what happen to it.. all I know is that I started lying again.. what I could remember lying about is about my medication.. I slowly reduced the amount I was taking.. then I stopped..

It’s now been 2 months and 13 days.. I stopped at 29th of June I think.. 1 day earlier that what I’d planned for.. hope that wasn’t too big a deal.. but I know now I can think clearly.. no influence from weird chemical reactions in my brain, nor from fucked up medications I was forced to take.. at least it’s clear enough to know that I’m still confused about myself..

It’s been a long time since I thought so much.. a really long time.. but it’s coming back slowly.. and I’m glad it is.. it’s the real me.. a thinker.. a person who analyses things around him allot..

It’s really rusty now.. I spent such a long time and my mind is still only 40% clear.. what I know now is to help people.. I must never forget what Kenshin said... we must use our power to lift people up, not to push people further down.. I’ve been selfish.. the only thing I could remember doing something I really didn’t want to do is to talk to my aunt.. 2 times so far..
It’s good training I must say.. but I despised it.. never mind that, I’ve decided to help a guy named Wei Chin.. probably be his only friend.. and help him make more? I don’t know.. can’t plan too many steps ahead.. ultimately I’d like to be myself while enjoying a conversation with my aunt.. it’ll make her happy.. it seems like such a small thing to do.. but I don’t know why it’s soo hard..

I thought about that for awhile.. and kind of convinced myself it’s because I can only be devoted to 1 person.. a mate.. and I would pledge my full loyalty to her and her alone.. until that day comes.. I’ll be a loner.. or rather I prefer to be a loner.. that’s the way I am.. that’s why I’m incomplete.. with an endless void within..

I cannot show my true self to anyone but her.. but until she comes.. well.. I made that point already.. but what have I done to deserve her? Nothing… nothing at all… I’ve been doing what I want.. and what is just a lift of a finger… that’s why I’m alone… yes, I do help people but only when it’s along the way, like I would give someone a ride only if it either benefits me, or it’s just slightly away from where I want to go..

I must have been a very selfish person in my past life.. and pushing people down whenever I can.. that’s why I deserve to be treated as such.. no one came to my aid when I needed so bad a friend.. at least no one stayed.. those who really cared just appeared in my life for awhile and disappear again..

I guess that’s enough.. I couldn’t ask for more anyway.. people like Adrian, Serena.. I do not know whether they still care.. but who am I to ask for their love if I myself don’t love them? This is too much to bear.. I reap what I sow.. I am no one to complain about the fruits I am now collecting..

I’ll start anew.. slowly.. bit by bit.. hope it’s enough to accelerate me slowly.. I don’t want to stay like this forever.. sometimes I even wonder is it because of the chain letters and messages I’ve broken..

From the past I think the percentage of my success is either 0% or 60%.. it’s either I give up, or I just give about 60% or lower of my efforts…

I’ve told my aunt to wait a little longer.. I’ll try… just try… but now I’ve set my goal to at least bring Wei Chin up a little.. this is a little out of the way already.. but I’ve got to start step by step.. and not to rush into things too fast.. or I won’t be able to handle it… after all, my ultimate goal is still to help people…

This is the 1st draft of my thoughts.. I believe that thoughts shouldn’t be edited…

I don’t remember always being like this.. I remember a time when I was totally carefree.. happy with myself.. had loads of friends.. going anywhere I liked.. my childhood days were great.. they were fantastic.. I had allot of friends.. I was totally satisfied with myself.. I took one day at a time.. I didn’t care of what I would become, because I knew my future is secured.. my father was rich..
Up until I was form 2 or 3.. when I met Adrian, he thought me how to compete.. to showed me the world of competition.. of always being ahead of others.. or at least try to be.. always trying to outdo others.. stronger.. stronger! Smarter.. smarter! More accomplishments! More! Achievements! Recognition! MORE!

I not sure if I really pushed myself that hard.. but I was happy, because I was smarter than most people, stronger than most people.. and most of all, maintained control.. but I was proven wrong.. I wasn’t as capable than what I thought I was.. I didn’t get a post in scouts.. I didn’t get full As in my SPM.. I didn’t get in ASEAN.. so badly I wanted to walk the path of my friend, Adrian.. I wanted to always compete with him.. but I was never smarter than him.. so he went away, and I was left alone..

I tried to do the things I thought I was capable of, starting a LEO club, trying to get the CL post in Rover H.. I failed.. I knew I wasn’t strong enough.. I was half the man I thought I am.. that maybe the cause of my first depression..

And still.. I’ve yet to show the true me.. to that one person that might never come..

The Five Precepts

2006-03-05T19:20:00.000+08:00

The Five Precepts:
1. Panatipata veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami
I undertake the precept to refrain from destroying living creatures.

2. Adinnadana veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami
I undertake the precept to refrain from taking that which is not given.

3. Kamesu micchacara veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami
I undertake the precept to refrain from sexual misconduct.

4. Musavada veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami
I undertake the precept to refrain from incorrect speech.

5. Suramerayamajja pamadatthana veramani sikkhapadam samadiyami
I undertake the precept to refrain from intoxicating drinks and drugs which lead to carelessness.

I try my best to follow these nowadays… don’t know why suddenly I’m such a good Buddist… ^^ Even lying! I’ve finally kick the bad habit of lying! I’ve stop believing that lies are required in the modern society… I think a person is much better of if he is purely honest in everything he does… and if he is purely honest, he won’t go wrong in life… =)

Back On Track

2006-02-15T20:51:00.000+08:00

I’m finally back on track… my mood swing is finally over now I’m on the road to recovery… to those who’s been in touch with me, please note that what ever I typed around December – January in my blog isn’t really what they are, I was in a manic state... what’s a manic state? Manic is opposite depression… when you’re manic you don’t think straight and do things recklessly… so please don’t take those posts seriously…

To my family and friends who has supported me throughout the episodes of my mood swing, I love you guys allot. Thank god I have so many people that care for me and love me. I don’t know how to show how much I appreciate it. Thanks to all of you, and may god bless us all… =)

Words of Inspiration

2006-01-09T08:44:00.000+08:00

I take charge of my life today; it has meaning and purpose
I am a living cause; I create my circumstance
I am powerful, responsible, determined, successful person
I am a leader, I demonstrate what I advocate to others
I have confidence in myself, nothing can stop me
I am enthusiastic about my life
I love living and the spirit that created me
I love people; I love myself and I share my self with others
I am a thinking being, my time is useful and valuable
I am creating new possibilities in my life; the universe is my playground
I have a choice; my decision is made
I choose to live out of a commitment to be on purpose with my life

I choose to grow and expend in knowledge and understanding
I choose to be healthy, happy and prosperous
I choose to effortlessly flow in the rhythm of life…and…today
I declare my freedom; I am free.

"Eugene Feathersome"

Relationships

2006-01-08T06:21:00.000+08:00

Relationships

Relationships got their ups and downs… always keep that in mind when you’re in one or when you’re going into one…

Take my advice on that and KEEP IT IN MIND… no matter how good it feels at one point, or how bad it feels at the other point, listen to your heart when he’s calling for you… there’s nothing else you can do, I don’t know where you’re going, and I don’t know why…

But listen to your heart before you tell him good bye……

Quotes

2006-01-05T11:17:00.000+08:00

"There is this letter in my head, written yet unsent..." ~
"Ninja The Soothsayer"

"With Perfection comes Evil, Without Evil there is no Perfection..." ~
"Ninja The Soothsayer"

"A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal."
~ "Oscar Wilde"

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."
~ "Oscar Wilde"

"Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you."
~ William Arthur Ward

"If you give up, no one will bother you, but no one will also notice you..."
~ Naruto

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."
~ Jalal al-Din Muhammad Rumi

"I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others; rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence."
~ Frederick Douglass 23/10/05

"I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it." ~ Edith Sitwell
23/10/05

There is no greater joy nor greater reward than to make a fundamental difference in someone's life.
~ Sister Mary Rose McGeady

Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt.
William Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", Act 1 scene 4
- More quotations on: [Doubt]

O, it is excellent to have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous to use it like a giant.
~ William Shakespeare, Measure for Measure, 1604-1605

Farewell! thou art too dear for my possessing.
~ William Shakespeare, Sonnet lxxxvii

Is this a dagger which I see before me,
The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.
I have thee not, and yet I see thee still.
Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible
To feeling as to sight? or art thou but
A dagger of the mind, a false creation,
Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain?
~ William Shakespeare, "Macbeth", Act 2 scene 1

The worst is not
So long as we can say, "This is the worst."
~ William Shakespeare, "King Lear", Act 4 scene 1

My words fly up, my thoughts remain below:
Words without thoughts never to heaven go.
William Shakespeare, "Hamlet", Act 3 scene 3
- More quotations on: [Language]

I must be cruel, only to be kind:
Thus bad begins, and worse remains behind.
~ William Shakespeare, "Hamlet", Act 3 scene 4

Nothing can come out of nothingness
~ William Shakespeare

So full of artless jealousy is guilt,
It spills itself in fearing to be spilt.
~ William Shakespeare, "Hamlet", Act 3 scene 5

There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
~ William Shakespeare, "Hamlet", Act 2 scene 2

Don't be discouraged by a failure. It can be a positive experience. Failure is, in a sense,
the highway to success, inasmuch as every discovery of what is false leads us to seek earnestly after what is true, and every fresh experience points out some form of error which we shall afterwards carefully avoid.
~ John Keats (1795 - 1821)

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.
~ Anne Frank (1929 - 1945), Diary of a Young Girl, 1952

My Apologies

2006-01-05T10:25:00.000+08:00

I’m sorry if I use TOO much swear words… trying to cut down on it but this habit is still with me… I too lazy to change all the F*** words to freak… Lol, but I’m just trying my best to actually calm myself down and using those F*** words really help relief stress… of cause there are better ways but I’m cool… =) and LAZY… LOL ; )

I'm Cool... AND you're NOT

2006-01-05T10:13:00.001+08:00

I feel horrible now… I need to SEE people! Talk to people! My House os always empty when I need it to be full!! I don’t meet people and I’ll DIE… I’m serious!! DIE DIE DIE!!! Sigh… no freaking use also if I continue typing this way… but it helps though… =) hehe

Ok… lets talk about why this world is GREAT… there are 7 reasons to that : -

1. The world is where we live in… if it isn’t great we don’t have a freaking choice anyway.

2. The world is where we breed… so we can’t complain about that either because the word WORLD is too general… Lol!

3. I love this world… and EVERYONE should be like me and LOVE the world…

4. Recycling stuff rocks…

5. I love the world

6. I love the world

7. I love the world

Ok, now that we are clear that the world is a GREAT place to breed… we move on to why my girl friend ROCKS… well… not exactly but I’m required to say that I love her (which I really do love her) and she rocks (she doesn’t… because she’s gonna date this STUPID FUCKIN FELLA called Mr. D). So yea… I don’t even know whether he exist… but his name gives me the creeps… doesn’t it? =P to all the other Mr. Ds out there, please don’t be insulted because this is only towards ONE Mr. D… and HE TOTALLY sucks…

If he actually calls up HITZ.FM and take the “Roody and JJ’s Top 10 Ways of Ttesting if you’re Cool Quiz” he’ll get a ZERO! Because he’s soo damn not cool to date someone that already HAS A DAMN GOOD boy friend…

I love you baby, will always do…
I need you baby, will always do…

GREAT

2006-01-04T19:54:00.000+08:00

I'm Feeling GREAT!! Not coz my gf gonna date sumone new... erm.. yea.. i sudn't b feeling this way but i don't know why either... erm... well... yea... i feel not that great anymore... >,<

Rivalry!

2006-01-04T13:31:00.000+08:00

Rivalry! Stupid Mr. D… who the hell are you to date my girl huh? U damn lucky my girl likes u or else I really feel like going over there and bash u up… >.< wait... I’m not that type of person but I’d really like to be one… coz JEALOUSY!! Crap man... never thought my girl would put me through such a test… I’m gonna fail already… sigh… yupz... she’s smart, she’s testing my loyalty by DATING someone I totally don’t know!! Dammit!! If only I just know a little bout that fucking fella I won be writing this shit here… arghh… dicky dicky… he might not even exist actually… coz yupz! I know my girl is smart… =) so this IS a test of loyalty… glad I’ll pass it with flying colours… hope so lar.. >.<

This is an edited version (edited VERY little only) of...
Name : Lonely
Artist : Akon

Lonely im Mr. Lonely,
I have nobody,
For my owwnnn
Im so Lonely, im Mr. Lonely
I have nobody,
for my owwnnn
Im so Lonely,

Yo, this one here goes out to all my playas out there man.
ya kno that got that one good girl dog thats always been
there man like took all the bullshit…
I love her man… I really do, so please girl don’t do this to me…

yeah, I woke up in the middle of the night,
And I noticed my girl wasn't by my side,
Coulda sworn I was dreamin,
For her I was feinin,
So I had ta take a little ride,
Back tracking on these few days,
Tryna figure out wat I do to make it go bad,
Cuz ever since my girl left me,
My whole life came crashin and I'm so....

Lonely (so lonely),
Im Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
For my own (to call my own girl).

Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
For my own (to call my own girl).
I'm so lonely

Cant belive I had a girl like you,
and I will never just let you walk right outta my life,
after all I put u thru
u still stuck around and stayed by my side (by my side)
what really hurt me is I broke ur heart,
baby you a good girl and I had no right,
I really wanna make things right,
cuz without u in my life girl
im so..

Lonely (so lonely)
Im Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
For my own (to call my own girl).

Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
For my own (to call my own baby).
Im so lonely

Been all about the world ain't,
neva met a girl that can take the things that you been through.
Never thought the day would come,
where you would get up and run,
and I would be out chasing u
Cuz aint nowhere in the globe id rather be,
aint no one in the globe id rather see
then the girl of my dreams that made me
Be so happy but now so lonely

Lonely (so lonely)
Im Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
For my own (to call my own, no).

Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
For my own (to call my own girl).
I'm so Lonely

Never thought that id be alone (so fast)
I didnt hope you'd be gone this long (gone this long)
I jus want u to call my phone,
so stop playing girl and Come on home (come on home),
baby girl I didn't mean to shout, (no)
I want me and you to work it out, (work it out baby)
I never wished that Id ever Hurt my baby,
and its drivin me crazy cuz I'm so...

Lonely (so lonely)
Im Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody, nobody)
To call my own (to call my own, no).

Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
For my own (to call my own girl)

I'm so Lonely
So lonely(lonely)
So lonely (so lonely)
Mr. Lonely(lonely)
So lonely (so lonely)
So lonely (Lonely)
So lonely!!! (so lonely!!!)
So Lonely
Mr. Lonely

Problems… How lar to solve this stupid problem?

2005-12-30T07:28:00.000+08:00

Me and my girl is VERY mesra… but we got one problem, we don’t know how to end a phone call properly. Everytime we end a phone call, both of us end up being insulted a little… so please post your comments at the chat box or here… =)

Happy Go Lucky...

2005-12-29T04:11:00.000+08:00

I'm so happy now, life is great, but I do have a certain illness that will haunt me for the rest of my life… Bipolar Disorder Syndrome…

Q: What is Bipolar Disorder?

A: The DSM-IV, or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders is used by all mental health professionals to determine whether or not a person is suffering from bipolar disorder. According to its definition, Bipolar Disorder is characterized by the occurrence of one or more Major Depressive Episodes accompanied by at least one Manic Episode. The criteria for each are as follows:

Major Depressive Episode (APA, 327)
A. Five or more of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest in pleasure.
(1) depressed mood most of the day nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful)
(2) markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day
(3) significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g. a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day
(4) insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day
(5) psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)
(6) fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
(7) feelings of worthlessness or excessive inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick)
(8) diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others)
(9) recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide
B. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
C. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g. a drug abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (e.g. hypothyroidism).
D. The symptoms are not better accounted for by Bereavement, i.e., after the loss of a loved one, the symptoms persist for longer than 2 months or are characterized by marked functional impairment, morbid preoccupation with worthlessness, suicidal ideation, psychotic symptoms, or psychomotor retardation.

Manic Episode (APA 332)
A. A distinct period of abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood, lasting at least 1 week (or any duration if hospitalization is necessary).
B. During the period of mood disturbance, three (or more) of the following symptoms have persisted (four if the mood is only irritable) and have been present to a significant degree:
(1) inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
(2) decreased need for sleep (e.g. feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)
(3) more talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
(4) flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing
(5) distractibility (i.e. attention too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli)
(6) increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation
(7) excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g. engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)
C. The mood disturbance is sufficiently severe to cause marked impairment in occupational functioning or in social activities or relationships with other, or to necessitate hospitalization to prevent harm to self or others, or if there are no other psychotic features.
D. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g. a drug abuse, a medication, or other treatment) or a general medical condition (e.g. hyperthyroidism).

In Short, It’s a type of mental illness that cause really BAD and LONG lasting Mood Swings… Like I said, I was in depression for almost 8 months after my best friend, A gone to Singapore and I couldn’t walk the path he chose, so I had to stay in HELP University College…

But right after my depression I became REALLY happy… if you were to try to rate my happiness from 1-10 mine would be 11, it’s extraordinary… because I have Bipolar Disorder Syndrome… It’s just too bad I have to stick to my medication for the rest of my life because I want to live a life without attactments… but now I got no choice but to get “attached” to my medication now…

I still love my girl ALLOT and wish that she will understand why I’m not pampering her to the MAX… our relationship is going to fast girl, we got to slow down… hope you will be reading this soon enough before we end up in another fight…

I love you girl, I really do, and I really want our relationship to last forever, but for now, it’s good enough… take care k? Love you girl, love my readers and most of all, I love god…

Hear my prayers, please let all friends of mine live a happy life and may all be at peace with thyself… take good care of all my friends and family and may them treat others nicely too…

NO REGRETS

2005-12-11T15:16:00.000+08:00

NO REGRETS… I love her allot… I really do, and I won’t not admit it…

I LOVE YOU BABY!!

Here’s my story…
It all started after I broke up with P, I was telling myself I won’t get another fucking gf coz they all SUCK…

I was wrong… now, after 1year and 9months, I’m with another girl…

Her name is S, I met her 1 year ago (almost) in OBS Lumut… she wasn’t exactly in my Watch, but she was in my Friend’s watch, Eu Gene…

Anyway, it didn’t start fine… I… dun like to admit this, but I wanted to play her at first… bcoz of a few reasons…
1. I “thought” she was a play girl (a girl who goes around playing people’s feelings just for fun)
2. I wanted to test my kau lui skills still got a not… Lol
3. I memang quite desperate for a gf… hahaha

So, here’s where the story starts…

25th Nov 2005… (I think…)
Ninja brought his 2 lovely cousins out to Sunway Pyramid to watch his 2 lovely girl-friends (S and G) perform some cool stuns for Cheerleading… it was DAMN COOL…
Anyways, after the performance, Ninja and his 2 lovely cousins went for a walk in pyramid to window shop and hang kai lar…

Suddenly, Ninja saw someone he knew… and he shouted her name… but she didn’t answer… so Ninja thought he recognise the wrong person… but he was pretty damn sure he was right… but anyway, he didn’t carry on trying… what he did do was he took out his phone, and tried to search for her number, apparently she never had given him her number… so he was sad… and turned away…

When he got home, he went on friendster, he searched her out, and wrote her a testimonial…

The next week (I think…), she came online when he was online. He got really excited, and started chatting with her… they chatted for sometime (of course he scolded her for not hearing him shout at her in pyramid), then it got pretty late and he had to go sleep becourse his father don’t like him to sleep too late… so Ninja asked for her number and she gave it to him, so he went offline and called her after that… =)

And called her again on Saturday night… that night, he told her he was single (I think…) and she told him SHE was single… then….. the topic started to get interesting… (hahaha) Ninja started to complain that he was shy, that’s why he was single for so long… (LOL) and made her teach him how not to be shy… so, being a nice girl, she “taught” the supposedly “shy” Ninja how to kau lui, and Ninja was in control of the reign…

He cleverly twisted his words such away that she was convinced that he was REALLY a “shy” guy… (What a Joke… XD) and she just kept on teaching and teaching… so, Ninja asked her, how do you ask a girl to be your gf… and she told him, bring her to any secluded areas and bring a teddy bear or a rose, ask her there and 80% she would accept you…

Then Ninja ask her, “Sure ar?! 80% quite high wor… seriously your technique so geng wan mer?” then she say “of course!” (I think… well, it went something like that lar…). Then Ninja was thinking, I think she means “If a guy like Him would do that to me, I am 80% sure I would accept him” and started laughing to himself inside… His kau lui skills are still with him…. XD

So, Ninja asked “so where you’re going tomorrow?” and she said, “Oh, I’m going with my mother to the Mont Kiara Bazaar to meet some friends” (they go there everyweek) so Ninja asked if he could tag along, then she said SURE! Ninja was again smiling in his heart telling himself, “This gurl is mine liao… muahahhahahaha” (LOL) and sms Poon about it…

The next morning, ninja woke up really early for the first time in his life… why? Because the girl woke him up at 6.30am in the morning… and talked to him for about 30minutes… after that, he, for the first time in his life, woke his parents up to go FRIM to jog… the parents got a HUGE surprise, and Ninja was again feeling good about himself…

After the jog, they went to eat breakfast at Double One (it’s a hocker store)… after breakfast with his parents, he lied to his parents saying he’s going to see “Adrian Lim” and of course he went to see her at the bazaar… it went perfectly alright, because Ninja was pretty good with people, so her mother liked him straight away… (Ninja could tell… and of course, he was smiling in his heart) after that, they all went home to her house with her friend as well (Ann Ann, well, that’s what they called her… she’s this really cute 7 or 8 year old girl…)

They went to her room, and that’s where Ninja and S Tan, Coupled… (you know what’s the weird thing? He WAS “shy” to ask her… so guess what? No one asked, they just understood each other… hahaha)

So Ninja was officially with a 14 year-old kid… Ninja wasn’t proud of it… so he decided he won’t tell some people about it… yet… so he only told Poon and Adrian Lim… (which of course, is his closest friends…) Then Sunday night, they talked on the phone again… and S felt insecure… so she asked Ninja… “Ninja, are you playing me?” Ninja nearly fell of his bed… >.< but he calmly answered, “no, but why you ask dear?” then she said “because normally older guys like you like to play young girls’ heart like mine…” Ninja didn’t know what to say, and really wanted to slap himself for even having that intention in the first place… Ninja felt really really really bad after that… so he promised himself… “OK, even though I made a mistake, I will not play this girls heart, because it’s wrong… it’s just wrong no matter the situation… I will treat her as nicely as possible as if I really love her…”

Which so he did…

Days went pass, Ninja and S got closer and closer… and after one week later, Ninja didn’t have a slightest doubt that he made a mistake… although he DID make a mistake, but he THANKED GOD!! that S was sent to his life…

I really thank god that I’ve found S, although she’s 4 years younger than me, I think she’s much prettier, smarter, and MUCH more matured (mentally) than many other girls that are my age…

Baby, I love you… I really really really do… =)

In Memory of My Dog, MAX

2005-12-09T01:29:00.000+08:00

adopt your own virtual pet!

SO CUTE RIGHT? XD U can even feed it by clicking at the box then click anywhere else, it'll jump and to get it... XD

I'M SORRY... (Something Just Came Across My Path of Life Last Weekend)

2005-12-05T20:34:00.000+08:00

我对不起你们…

Many would object this if he tell truthfully to them, but who would truly understand him? He knows he’s not suppose to… He’s sorry, he realised it too late… but since he started it, he will follow up and follow through, he’ll be a responsible gentleman following through whatever he started, not because he REALLY wants to, but because he will not hurt anyone, he hasn’t the heart to, even though the other side of him says it’s ok…

NO it is NOT ok, I tell myself… I know I started it with the wrong intentions, but I’ll try my best to make it up. What ever it takes, though the future is undercertain… I’m sorry to all those who has a different image of me. It’s not that my image betrayed you, it’s just that this other side HAS been here a long time… before some of you even knew me… my past… lingers with some memory in it that has stained my thoughts about these things… I KNOW I’M NOT SUPPOSE TO!! But I can’t find a reason to justify why, not in this immatured mind of mine…

I’M SORRY!! I really am… my reputation with be tainted, to those who wouldn’t understand, I wouldn’t say because they are narrow minded, but they just have a different opinion of such things, different than mine… yes, I’ve seen their opinions, I’ve tried to live by them, but this just came too sudden, I know it’s better if it never happened… but now that it has, I will not turn upon my words… my word when that question was asked, my answer was noble and true… though not intended at first, I will live by my word…

I hope you’d understand, I hope this will not come in the way of our relationship, now that you know that I’m such. Now that that side of me has overwhelmed me long enough to make me make that decision. I’M SORRY! Please, I still want to be friends, I still admirer your qualities, I still love your personality. But yet, I’ve lingered too long, too lonely I’ve became, too desperate myself…

If she’s reading this, please understand… this is how I feel, I will not be dishonest to any of you... This will be the test of faith of all those who knows me… all those who are true to me… all those who love me… I’M SORRY! I really am… I can’t tell how sorry I am to have betrayed you, and her… but please, give me this chance and I will tell you I won’t fail you… as for them, it’s really up to them… I’m sorry..... As for my parents, I'm sorry, I gave you my chance, the chance it over... I still love you guys... but I'm sorry I can't be able to be totally transparent with you guys... I’m sorry… but I feel this is the best for all of us……

Scouts

2005-11-29T00:21:00.000+08:00

Will write more next time... but i'm having a hell of a time here... geez man.. complicated.. =(

Some Blogging Stuff.. =D

2005-11-28T21:22:00.000+08:00

Your Blog Should Be Purple

You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything.

You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey.

You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

I Don't Really Like Purple... It's GAY.. >.<

Your Hidden Talent

You're super sensitive and easily able to understand situations.

You tend to solve complex problems in a flash, without needing a lot of facts.

Decision making is easy for you. You have killer intuition.

The right path is always clear, and you're a bit of a visionary.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

All quite true except the last part... I Bumped Into a mistakes quite often... =(

Your Ideal Relationship is Serious Dating

You're not ready to go walking down the aisle.

But you may be ready in a couple of years.

You prefer to date one on one, with a commitment.

And while chemistry is important, so is compatibility.

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

Well... For Now I Can't Even Find Someone Right... =(

You Are A Friendly Ex

You and your ex are just friends - great friends really.

(At least that's what you keep telling yourself!)

While civility is a good thing, make sure you're not secretly wanting more...

What Type of Ex Are You?

Err... Depends on Which Ex You're talking about... XD I got 2... haha one of them we're close enough to call friends.. the other I just started to contact again only.. haha

All American Kid

Popular but not plastic. Athletic but not a jock. Smart but not a brain.

You were well rounded and well liked in high school.

Who Were You In High School?

Not exactly... Haha, bumped into some issues the end of form5.. >.< but the rest of the years before that was pretty good.. =)

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Wazzup with the 2nd last part... =( i still Do have hope of happy marriages.. =) well, actually i never really thought that far yet.. ahha

Your Blogging Type is Pensive and Philosophical

You blog like no one else is reading...

You tend to use your blog to explore ideas - often in long winded prose.

Easy going and flexible, you tend to befriend other bloggers easily.

But if they disagree with once too much, you'll pull them from your blogroll!

What's Your Blogging Personality?

Wakakakakakkaka SOO TRUE!! Haha!! but i don't have many blogging friends tho... =)

You are an Atheist

When it comes to religion, you're a non-believer (simple as that).

You prefer to think about what's known and proven.

You don't need religion to solve life's problems.

Instead, you tend to work things out with logic and philosophy.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

YES TRUE!! but for the 1st part i'm still having a REALLY open mind bout that lar.. =)

Your Heart Is Pink

In relationships, you like to play innocent - even though you aren't.

Each time you fall in love, it's like falling for the first time.

Your flirting style: Coy

Your lucky first date: Picnic in the park

Your dream lover: Is both caring and dominant

What you bring to relationships: Romance

What Color Heart Do You Have?

Not exactly true for all lar... and i don't think i'll like the dominant type.. >.< and coy? wth is coy.. >.< and PINK is gay...

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.

You tend to give more than take in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

Quite true... i'm taking such a long time to fall in love.. =( so long indeed...

Your Love Style is Storge

For you, love and friendship are almost the same thing

And your love tends to be the enduring, long lasting kind

(You've been known to still have connections with exes)

But sometimes your love is not the most passionate

Leap before you look, and you'll find that fire you crave

What's Your Love Style?

Hmm.. ok ok lar this one.. =)

Your Love Number is

2

Of all the numbers, you are the most caring and empathetic lover.
Unselfish and humble, you find it easy to forgive your sweetie's mistakes.
At times, your need to please can be come a bit too needy.
As long as you remain somewhat independent, your relationships are perfectly balanced.

What Is Your Love Number?

Hmm.. well, i still got my limits tho...

You're a Freaky Kisser

When you kiss, you want to experience something new

A new technique, a new partner, a new piercing...

And your own personal kissing style is very unpredictable

There's no saying where your tongue or hands will go

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

wakakakkakakkakakkakakaaa.......

You Are a Dare Devil

For you, life is one big dare.

And you're all in for any adventure.

Others find you exciting, inspiring, and a bit intimidating.

You're biggest challenge at this point is trying to top yourself!

How Daring Are You?

Haha quite true! =D

You Have Fantastic Karma

You are a kind, sensitive, and giving person.

And all your good deeds will pay off - if they haven't already.

But you're not so concerned with what you get in return anyway.

You have an innate caring nature - and nothing can change that!

How's Your Karma?

Hope it's right.. XD

Baby Girl

2005-11-15T22:08:00.000+08:00

This poem is specially for only one person in my life that I really respect… although we don’t have much in comon, it’s amazing how we can share so much… take care baby girl, and I know you’ll do well in life… =)
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Baby Girl

In a corner
In the dark
Sits a girl weeping
Cold and shivering

Why’s she’s crying?
No one knows…
No one cares…
And no one goes…

Confuse and sad
Seeking for warmth
Covered her face
Covered her eyes

Someone’s calling
She doesn’t hear it
Mind all blocked
Tears all over it

Why doesn’t she hear me?
Why doesn’t she see me?
Am I invisible?
Or is she getting blind…

I want to care but I can’t
It hurts bad when I’m helpless
To see a girl crying
Out of my reach, out of my boundary

My hands are tied
My heart is not
Some one needs love
I couldn’t be there

This is the worst
I am sure of it
To see someone crying
And you can’t do anything

Please baby girl
Give me a chance
Look over here
And please stop crying

I know you’re sad
I know your down
But crying all day and night
Won’t be helping at all

Let me come in
Let me care
Let me hug you
Let me kiss you

So that you’d know
There’s people who cares
Not everyone’s like him
Not everyone’s bad

I’m sure I can help
For my heart is pure
Sincere and loyal
To the ones I love and care

And you’re one of them
One of my true friends
These are what friends are for
This is how they’d react

So please baby girl
Stand up and smile
For the sun is shining
Just a few feet away

Why sit in the storm
When warmth is just there
Open your eyes baby girl
Open your heart

Come over here
And experience the light
I’ll cheer you up
I’ll be your pal

Dry up your tears
Uncover your face
I’m waiting with open arms,
An open heart and open mind

You can tell me why you’re crying
I won’t tell a soul
You can trust me
You know how much I care…

So please baby girl
Stop hurting yourself
Look around you
And you’d realize I’ve always been there…

The Void That I Left Behind...

2005-10-23T20:14:00.000+08:00

"Between grief and nothing I will take grief." ~ William Faulkner

This quote best describes the state I am in now, I was choosing between the 2 for this year. For the first half of it, I have chosen nothing. Alas, what I choice I’ve made. With nothingness I rotted away, faded into time, lost within myself.

Everyday I would wake up doing nothing, with this, I not only stopped myself from improving any further, but also started declining the steps of life. This stairway that everyone is climbing never ends, and what scares me most is if you are not ascending, you are declining. Numbness sets in and your feelings will be ignored by yourself. Suddenly, you don’t feel sad, angry, happy, loved, hated, jealousy, joy, or any other feelings.

Everyday would be the same to you, the people that talks to you, walks pass you, touches you or gives you something will not matter. Because the very next minute, you will forget about what happen and just carry on living for the sake of living. No purpose, no reason, no goals.

For those who will read this, no matter how empty you feel, never do nothing. Hate if you have to, hate the people around you, hate fate itself for putting you in that state, hate the things that you do, hate the world itself for anger will drive you on, even though not the best choice it is not the worst. For at least, when you have hatred you continue to excel in the things you do, you still have a purpose of living. And from there you will carry on living, a cursed life or not, it’s still better then nothing.

Grief if you have to, moan for your losses, feel sorrowful for yourself being the victim of misfortunes. Let the it torment you in your dreams. For at least, you are intact with your feelings, as your misery sets in, the storm will be over and joy will come again. As the gloomy nights passes, you will feel that you don’t want to continue this life style. And sooner or later, changes will come for your mind will not want to suffer any longer and will automatically turn around.

But if you do nothing, nothing will change. Nothing will come, nothing will pass. And what ever you did before will continue to crumble away in time. Our spirits will decay and our pride will be lost. They say that ego is the most dangerous enemy of mankind but without it, we will not even have the urge to continue with life. What made the world today? It is because men persisted to surpass themselves. The ego in them drove them on. Without it, we will lay useless and waste away our lives.

Guess who's back? =P

2005-09-30T02:08:00.000+08:00

Sorry to all that I’ve not been in touch with, these few months for me have been truly different. Sarah, wey yiing, shern, and all my net friends and all, really sorry I’ve not been coming online to chat with you guys, and my blog’s been dead for more then half a year now… I think I’m going to revive it and have a good start again… =)

I realized how much I’ve change over the months. I look back at the things I’ve done. Yes, I admit I made a mistake. Allot of mistakes… and the greatest mistake that kept me down for so long was ignorance. When I was falling I told myself, “I WILL NOT LOOK DOWN ON MY PAST SELF”. A part of me still thought the old me was perfect. And I predicted everything that would happen. It’s hard to explain, even to myself.

When I was down, I thought about how I would go on living like this. I thought about how the Old Me will think of what I am now. I thought about why I should not come to a conclusion of my mistake. Because I still believe I had not done any mistakes. No matter how much I’ve said on the outside that I’m wrong… deep in me the ignorance still stand strong.

After going through really tough times, I could never have imagined I could go so low when nothing really went wrong on the outside. I wasn’t having a relationship problem, my parents were fine, no financial problem…… fine, maybe there was one problem, a problem that I still find it hard to reveal even to myself. It’s shameful, it’s embarrassing, it’s something I thought I’ll never have problems with. My social life.

I have to admit this to myself. My pride has been my enemy all these while… Ninja will never have No Friends. Ninja will never turn to the “lesser” for social activities (lesser meaning people I don’t really respect). I’ve use to look down on some people, I think they will feel it too if I mix around with them more. Yes, I look down on quite allot of people. To those who felt it, I’m sorry…

Because these few months, I’ve learnt to respect allot of people, how they manage to cling on to life even when they’re not doing so well. Cause honestly, I really feel like life is a total bitch even when things aren’t really that bad.

Throughout that period allot of nice people held me on, Adrian, even though he’s in Singapore but he still makes an effort to sms me once in a while. Siang Siang, when she said I was her friend I was like… I really felt really happy, Lol, I that was how down I was feeling that time. I can’t believe it myself, I felt I could be myself in front of Sandra Gwyneth too, really had a lot of fun going out on Wednesdays like that. =) I never really like Poon’s attitude cause of his pride and all, but still I really respect how he treats his friends lar… really nice guy… Adrain Tan who kept me involved in scouts…

There are so many others like bryan, chin yeow, ivan, alex, sabrina, steph, tah lun, sherreen, emily, anthea, my aunts, parents. Thanks for the friendly remarks, jokes and all that kept me in touch with my social life. (This thanking everyone thing really humbles you down allot, you should try it… ;)

The Little Bird

2005-04-10T22:03:00.000+08:00

This is one of my best poems I wrote… I dedicate this to my friends that I really care allot… the ones I talked long hours through the night, the ones who shared their problems with me, the ones who I truely admirer and appreciate… hehe, you know who you are… ;)
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The Little Bird

I have a little story
About a little bird
Who lives in the vast sky
Where all possibilities occur

The bird loved the sky
Where she spent her happiest times
Exploring the heavens above
Enjoying the beauty of lands below

Free as the sky could offer
As high as she could soar
Open to all things
The little bird didn’t know before

A strike from the back
From the pure blue sky
It all came so sudden
She felt she was going to die

As she fell to the ground
As hard as she could hit
As wounded as she ever could be
She survived and started to crawl

No more did she dare take flight
For it hurt her far too bad
For ages she suffered
Hardly able to survive

Never looking up again
She lived on the ground
Little did she ever remember
The happiness she had in the sky

The best times she always had
The endless happiest moments
The feeling of forever being loved
When she was in the sky

One day she looked up
She heard some birds fly past
The birds she used to be with
The memories she had left to rust

A song the birds were singing
Touched the little heart of the bird
Who fell and remained scarred
And this is the song she heard:

“A few times I have fallen
(The first was the worst)
But I’ve always remembered them
As the best times of my life

Despite the times I fell so fast
Despite the times I hit so hard
Despite the times I crawled so low
Despite the wounds that hurt so bad

I’ve always flown up again
Understanding better
Enjoying the sky like never before
Loving it more then ever

The times I am up here
I remember the times I fell
Grateful that I’m up soaring
Far from where I was crawling”

At this the bird woke up
And started to understand
The scars were never there
It was just a nightmare

Letting the fall scared her
Till she blinded herself from the times
When she was up above
Higher than paradise

She pulled herself upright
And stared hard at the sky
Trusting it one more time
She raised her wings up high

Her tiny feet left the ground
As her wings hit the wind
As hard as she knew it would be
But never did she give in

With all her little might
She hit it one more time
With all her courage and effort
She made it to the sky

Once more she was soaring
Through the heavens up above
Once more she was home
In the skies she had always loved

The scars that were on her
Had all disappeared
The time she believed in herself
Was the time she was freed from all fears

She joined the birds who sang
Inspiring her to try her wings
Together they enjoyed the winds
That blew her tears all dry

This is where my story ends
About the little bird
The beauty of life is always there
It’s where you look that matters

A Last Song, Dedicated to my Love Ones (History)

2005-02-19T02:06:00.000+08:00

My blog will be shut down for awhile... I'm sorry it had to end like this....
----------------------------------------------------
Perfect
by Simple Plan

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time
Doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that I'm all right
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and we can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and we can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect