Magic the Gathering is BACK!

I got nothing fucking to say… the new magic set is CRAZY!!! Go check it out at : http://www.mtgsalvation.com/spoiler/time-spiral#1223 if you’re a Malaysian and you want to start magic, contact me through this site! And I’ll sponsor you to the prerelease this Saturday and Sunday (23/9/06 – 24/9/06) of course you have to give me your cards… =P

One with Nothingness...

I’m sorry.. but I couldn’t keep my 5 percepts for long.. I had it for probably slightly longer than 2 weeks only... after that, I couldn’t help but think that lying is still a part of living in this world…

I still believe that if I keep the 5 precepts, I’ll be protected.. I’m not sure whether this is a blind faith and I’ve not exactly experienced it myself.. then why do I believe in it? Isn’t this a world of one man for himself? Is either I twist and turn my way around and maintain my knowledge of the people around me so I would never be outsmarted, or just be careful of my precepts and I wouldn’t be harmed? Is that really possible?

I can’t help but doubt that very much.. at times I still ask god, or whoever’s out there to at least give me a hint.. or rather it’s been a long time since I’ve done it.. but there was once that He did gave me a whole bunch of hints suddenly.. but it was all in illusion.. created by chemical reactions in my head that shouldn’t be happening.. it put me in a world that I always wanted to live in.. a world where everyone’s watching me, they all know my name and the things I’ve done.. and “god” was constantly talking to me..

I was insane.. I was talking to the radio.. the phone with no one at the other side..

It’s over.. a went through allot to get rid of those things.. it’s in the past.. and it’ll never happen again.. I’ve made that promise to the people who cared about me.. and gave soo much to get me back on my feet.. with a right mind..

I’m back now.. and the first thing I did.. that I could remember was to follow the 5 precepts.. it gave me comfort.. it gave me a guide line.. I knew it was safe to follow it.. but what happen? I can’t really remember what happen to it.. all I know is that I started lying again.. what I could remember lying about is about my medication.. I slowly reduced the amount I was taking.. then I stopped..

It’s now been 2 months and 13 days.. I stopped at 29th of June I think.. 1 day earlier that what I’d planned for.. hope that wasn’t too big a deal.. but I know now I can think clearly.. no influence from weird chemical reactions in my brain, nor from fucked up medications I was forced to take.. at least it’s clear enough to know that I’m still confused about myself..

It’s been a long time since I thought so much.. a really long time.. but it’s coming back slowly.. and I’m glad it is.. it’s the real me.. a thinker.. a person who analyses things around him allot..

It’s really rusty now.. I spent such a long time and my mind is still only 40% clear.. what I know now is to help people.. I must never forget what Kenshin said... we must use our power to lift people up, not to push people further down.. I’ve been selfish.. the only thing I could remember doing something I really didn’t want to do is to talk to my aunt.. 2 times so far..
It’s good training I must say.. but I despised it.. never mind that, I’ve decided to help a guy named Wei Chin.. probably be his only friend.. and help him make more? I don’t know.. can’t plan too many steps ahead.. ultimately I’d like to be myself while enjoying a conversation with my aunt.. it’ll make her happy.. it seems like such a small thing to do.. but I don’t know why it’s soo hard..

I thought about that for awhile.. and kind of convinced myself it’s because I can only be devoted to 1 person.. a mate.. and I would pledge my full loyalty to her and her alone.. until that day comes.. I’ll be a loner.. or rather I prefer to be a loner.. that’s the way I am.. that’s why I’m incomplete.. with an endless void within..

I cannot show my true self to anyone but her.. but until she comes.. well.. I made that point already.. but what have I done to deserve her? Nothing… nothing at all… I’ve been doing what I want.. and what is just a lift of a finger… that’s why I’m alone… yes, I do help people but only when it’s along the way, like I would give someone a ride only if it either benefits me, or it’s just slightly away from where I want to go..

I must have been a very selfish person in my past life.. and pushing people down whenever I can.. that’s why I deserve to be treated as such.. no one came to my aid when I needed so bad a friend.. at least no one stayed.. those who really cared just appeared in my life for awhile and disappear again..

I guess that’s enough.. I couldn’t ask for more anyway.. people like Adrian, Serena.. I do not know whether they still care.. but who am I to ask for their love if I myself don’t love them? This is too much to bear.. I reap what I sow.. I am no one to complain about the fruits I am now collecting..

I’ll start anew.. slowly.. bit by bit.. hope it’s enough to accelerate me slowly.. I don’t want to stay like this forever.. sometimes I even wonder is it because of the chain letters and messages I’ve broken..

From the past I think the percentage of my success is either 0% or 60%.. it’s either I give up, or I just give about 60% or lower of my efforts…

I’ve told my aunt to wait a little longer.. I’ll try… just try… but now I’ve set my goal to at least bring Wei Chin up a little.. this is a little out of the way already.. but I’ve got to start step by step.. and not to rush into things too fast.. or I won’t be able to handle it… after all, my ultimate goal is still to help people…

This is the 1st draft of my thoughts.. I believe that thoughts shouldn’t be edited…

I don’t remember always being like this.. I remember a time when I was totally carefree.. happy with myself.. had loads of friends.. going anywhere I liked.. my childhood days were great.. they were fantastic.. I had allot of friends.. I was totally satisfied with myself.. I took one day at a time.. I didn’t care of what I would become, because I knew my future is secured.. my father was rich..
Up until I was form 2 or 3.. when I met Adrian, he thought me how to compete.. to showed me the world of competition.. of always being ahead of others.. or at least try to be.. always trying to outdo others.. stronger.. stronger! Smarter.. smarter! More accomplishments! More! Achievements! Recognition! MORE!

I not sure if I really pushed myself that hard.. but I was happy, because I was smarter than most people, stronger than most people.. and most of all, maintained control.. but I was proven wrong.. I wasn’t as capable than what I thought I was.. I didn’t get a post in scouts.. I didn’t get full As in my SPM.. I didn’t get in ASEAN.. so badly I wanted to walk the path of my friend, Adrian.. I wanted to always compete with him.. but I was never smarter than him.. so he went away, and I was left alone..

I tried to do the things I thought I was capable of, starting a LEO club, trying to get the CL post in Rover H.. I failed.. I knew I wasn’t strong enough.. I was half the man I thought I am.. that maybe the cause of my first depression..

And still.. I’ve yet to show the true me.. to that one person that might never come..