Friday, September 30, 2005

Guess who's back? =P

Sorry to all that I’ve not been in touch with, these few months for me have been truly different. Sarah, wey yiing, shern, and all my net friends and all, really sorry I’ve not been coming online to chat with you guys, and my blog’s been dead for more then half a year now… I think I’m going to revive it and have a good start again… =)

I realized how much I’ve change over the months. I look back at the things I’ve done. Yes, I admit I made a mistake. Allot of mistakes… and the greatest mistake that kept me down for so long was ignorance. When I was falling I told myself, “I WILL NOT LOOK DOWN ON MY PAST SELF”. A part of me still thought the old me was perfect. And I predicted everything that would happen. It’s hard to explain, even to myself.

When I was down, I thought about how I would go on living like this. I thought about how the Old Me will think of what I am now. I thought about why I should not come to a conclusion of my mistake. Because I still believe I had not done any mistakes. No matter how much I’ve said on the outside that I’m wrong… deep in me the ignorance still stand strong.

After going through really tough times, I could never have imagined I could go so low when nothing really went wrong on the outside. I wasn’t having a relationship problem, my parents were fine, no financial problem…… fine, maybe there was one problem, a problem that I still find it hard to reveal even to myself. It’s shameful, it’s embarrassing, it’s something I thought I’ll never have problems with. My social life.

I have to admit this to myself. My pride has been my enemy all these while… Ninja will never have No Friends. Ninja will never turn to the “lesser” for social activities (lesser meaning people I don’t really respect). I’ve use to look down on some people, I think they will feel it too if I mix around with them more. Yes, I look down on quite allot of people. To those who felt it, I’m sorry…

Because these few months, I’ve learnt to respect allot of people, how they manage to cling on to life even when they’re not doing so well. Cause honestly, I really feel like life is a total bitch even when things aren’t really that bad.

Throughout that period allot of nice people held me on, Adrian, even though he’s in Singapore but he still makes an effort to sms me once in a while. Siang Siang, when she said I was her friend I was like… I really felt really happy, Lol, I that was how down I was feeling that time. I can’t believe it myself, I felt I could be myself in front of Sandra Gwyneth too, really had a lot of fun going out on Wednesdays like that. =) I never really like Poon’s attitude cause of his pride and all, but still I really respect how he treats his friends lar… really nice guy… Adrain Tan who kept me involved in scouts…

There are so many others like bryan, chin yeow, ivan, alex, sabrina, steph, tah lun, sherreen, emily, anthea, my aunts, parents. Thanks for the friendly remarks, jokes and all that kept me in touch with my social life. (This thanking everyone thing really humbles you down allot, you should try it… ;)