A Last Song, Dedicated to my Love Ones (History)

My blog will be shut down for awhile... I'm sorry it had to end like this....
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Perfect
by Simple Plan

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time
Doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that I'm all right
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and we can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and we can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

The Change in Me (History)

A new Ninja is born from the ashes that were burnt by his parents. Yes, I was burned inside. Deeply in the depths of my heart. The up coming of this new Ninja will succeed. He will, he must. I was told to change by my brother, parents and my relatives. Saying this Ninja is too cocky and over confident. It’s sad they couldn’t see through me and times up. I can not take this torture anymore of not having anyone to understand me from deep within.

Like all humans, I have layers. For this New Year’s resolution. I told myself to combine the two layers, so I will not ever have to play two face every again. But I was greatly defied. Not by my enemies. But my very own love ones. No one could understand the change and they all thought it’s a bad thing.

When they see it’s a bad thing. They try to change me back. I tried again and again shouting my lungs out that this will do well in the future. But no one was listening. No one at all.

So it’s time to face the fact of this cruel unreasonable, unfair world. No one can survive it by being purely sincere. At least I’m not strong enough to do that yet. Not at this age, not in this situation. The Diamond Cutter is a good book no doubt. But can’t be practiced by a teenager. For their parents feel threatened by the sudden change in them.

As a teenager get happier and happier enjoying their life. Somehow, people around them will be against them. Opposing them, not letting them to be too happy. It this right? I mean when you see someone happy, I understand its human nature to pull that guy back to your status. It’s weird why humans react that way, when someone’s happy and their not, they will make them unhappy so they will feel happier.

Does my reader understand my pain? My own very parents, when I’m happy and their not, makes me unhappy so they feel happier is this world. Is this right? Tell me. Why, of all people my own very parents.

I was devastated this morning. When I realize even after my dad “forgave” me last night, he still kept grudges against me. I send him a sms telling him to read my blog, and he replied with harsh words. Harsh words I never seen coming out from him before. And he cut all the way in.

I was lost, confused and totally did not understand his actions. That is when I realize what I’m doing now is wrong. This post will only be on for a few hours for I don’t want my parents reading this. And I might even shut my whole blog down for I do not feel my parents are supporting me fully in everything I do. Until then, I’ll carry on with my book writing.

In the mean time, I will back off in to my cave of myself. I must say I am difficult to understand but I do expect my parents to at least try. Can’t they even do that? Instead of refusing to believe the obvious that I am not normal. I can see in them, everyday they wish me to be just a normal kid but I refuse. I totally refuse.

I feel that I can do much better in this world being abnormal. And if my parents refuses to understand this fact. Oh believe me, I have tried many times to try to make them understand but I failed. I don’t know which part I did wrong but I failed.

So now I will be normal in their eyes. So normal that they’d never understand the Ninja within me EVER again. I’m giving up, its way to hurtful and time consuming to make an old folk believe in a miracle.

My parents keep telling me over and over again that they both combine it would be more then 100 years old and they experience FAR exceeds mine. They do not believe in my theory of reincarnation. For what’s 100 years if I have live just one extra life then them?

This theory can be crap to some but I believe it. For many things I do I feel I’ve done it before, many books I read I feel I read it before. So if they refuse to take this into their mind and continue to be stubborn, I’m far too young and unwise to do anything for now.

Maybe later, much later after I am successful and gain my parents totally respect I’ll again try to explain to them that they had been wrong about me. So wrong that they no longer support me in my life but became a burden that I have to carry on my shoulders. I cannot bare it any longer. I can not.

A Night to Remember (History)

An important event happened in my life, I’ve repeated history with a little twist. The twist is this time, my dad was the victim instead of my mom, and my mom was the peacemaker. I will not say what happened the last time for that’s not important anymore. The past is forgotten and the present remains. And here’s the story.

I’m in my room right now, typing this out, I’ve never experienced this before and it feels a little weird. My parents never allowed a computer in my room. They didn’t allow it now either but something happened. Another “magical” moment if you want to put it that way.

If you have read my past post “My Mother’s Birthday” something similar to this happened as well, but this is much bigger than that. Something unexpected happened, and I again learnt something new.

It was a normal Thursday, just that I was a little sick this morning and went to class late. For I badly needed that 2 hours of sleep. So the day went on as normal and nothing really interesting happen unless you count in the little fight my pet sis had with another friend of mine. Haha, if she reads this she would scold me. Anyways, the story started after dinner.

It was a good dinner I had to admit, long time since I had a good dinner at home. My father’s friend was over and he went back early looking at the situation getting from bad to worst.

It started of with a small argument, it always does. I was playing DOTA online and my father reminded me that I had college tomorrow. I have to agree that I was at fault for I should have agreed a game with my friend that hour because my dad wasn’t in too good a mood.

We started to fight, and I said I’ll stop my game around 9.30-10pm. So he went up stairs for awhile. He came down at 9.30pm and told me to stop within 2 minutes and I said I can’t possibly finish it by then. He didn’t care, after 2 minutes, he came up to my computer and “click” it was off.

I got emotional and started saying things that I can’t really recall, after that; I slammed the door real hard and walked upstairs. After that I thought, shit, this is going to be quite big for I never had dared to challenge my dad before. And I thought the worst thing he could do is ground me and take my computer away like what he did last time.

So I went downstairs and calmly took my computer up one part by one part thinking he’ll stop me and we’ll have to talk it over. But he did not; he just sat there, reminding me over and over again that I’m acting stupid.

So after all was up, I was thinking, “Geez, this IS going to be big, I’d better get ready to stay here for at least a day. So I took water, food and still he did not stop me. My main objective was to make him talk to me. But somehow, he just refused and sat down there.

So I took his car keys, then went to the save and even took the spare key, thinking worst come to worst he has to talk to me tomorrow morning or he can’t go to work. Because I even took my mother’s car key. I didn’t dare take his wallet simply because it might get out of hand if he reports to the police.

Of cause I didn’t show him I took his car keys but after all that, I went back to the room, and said that I might not be seeing him awhile and hoped that he then will talk to me. But still no effect. At that juncture, I went upstairs and meditated for awhile. Then I realized that I don’t have time to do all these crap because I need to go to college tomorrow to settle some LEO stuff and I didn’t really want to miss any lessons anyway.

So I decided to go down and talk to him since he totally refuses to talk to me. And there that very time, I felt a strange feeling. I really don’t know how to describe it, but somehow, I don’t know how, I started to “act adult” (according to him). I reasoned with him and trust me; it did not start out good.

He was as stubborn as erm, me actually, but after awhile he was talking sense again. We had a great conversation and somehow, I don’t know how, I apologized. I really can’t remember how it happened but before that, I told him that I will not apologize this time.

Then the conversation got really interesting, I found out that my dad’s an extremist (my definition = he WILL go to the extreme if necessary). I said if I were to steal his car like what I did to my mom’s car in the past, what he would do. He simply said that he would just call the police up and make a report of a stolen car. I was terrified by his thought of that.

I mean I really wouldn’t think it was such a big thing and it can be settle within the family. But he was willing to give up his dignity and reputation as a loving father and just dump me to the law. Then I asked what if he was to slap me and we end up fighting for REAL what would he do. He just said that he would corner me, and BASH me up for real, but after awhile he denied and said that he would bash me up to that extend. But that doesn’t matter; the fact is he actually had that thought in his mind.

All these horrified me totally, I never knew my dad would go to that extreme end, I knew he would do some really crazy things if he’s raging mad, but I never expected him to really turn against his own son.

After all that horrifying things that came out his mouth, something caught me. I suddenly realize that despite all those thoughts, he controlled himself well enough to not do it. Despite I slammed the door REAL loud and offered a challenge, he sat down there calmly and did not do anything.

Despite that he knew I was preparing for the worst, he just sat there reminding me over and over again it’s not worth it. Of cause my mother was doing it too, I hear them, but I wasn’t listening.

After all that, he said something that I’ll remember for life. He said, “When your angry, the best thing to do is sit down, take a deep breath and let things be.” That was what he did, despite all those thought in his head, he ignored them. Thank GOD he did anyway, I mean if that really happen it’s going to affect not just my life, but my entire family’s life including my aunts, uncles, cousins, and even my friends.

For I am respected by people around me, and if I fail to keep that up, I will indirectly disappoint them in a way. One person that will confront me if that ever happened is Adrian, both the Adrian Lim AND Tan me actually, for they are nice people. And if they come to know about it, they would definitely try their best to help. Not to mention my other friends like Wey Yiing and friends.

But thank god again, he did not do it. That totally smacked me hard on the face and made me wake up. My dad IS a great man and deserves all the respect in the world if I could gather it all and put it in a box. I love him lots just like I love my mom, my brother, my relatives and all my friends.

I know they care for me and would always try their best to make my life better even if by just a little. This is another night to remember and I’ll take this chance to say to all that know me well, I love you guys allot. And I am really really really grateful to those who have helped make my life happier, Jureen who did me a huge favor, Jacq that supported me like a sister. Recently, it would be Sher Reen, Sammy, and those who helped me out in my newly established LEO Club it has always been my dream to create a club of my own ever since I knew it was possible. I thank you guys lots and I really don’t know how to repay you guys. So please tell me how and I’ll try my best. Thanks to all, including my readers who bothered to leave a comment or even took the time to read this whole thing.

Friends (History)

After all that conversation I had with my “friends” I realized something… and yeah, I agree that they should have bashed me up while they could, then I would have realized earlier that they aren’t my friends but… well, no more insults… if fact, I have to thank Gan that day for pissing me off, because after that, I never joined that group ever again… but in that group I mixed in, I see some nice people there that deserved to be mentioned… Ho Gene, Kenneth, Sean, Hon Hoe all these people were nice to me and never really insulted me or anything before… especially Ho Gene actually, he’s the one that always calls me out for basket ball AND magic… haha, he’s the one that stole my “Force of Will” when we were form 2… stupid bastard... but I got it back anyway…

Since I’ve been talking bad about DJ a little too much, I’ll talk about it’s good points lar… =) one of them is, the people there are VERY smart… well, at least the smart one’s are… haha, people like Andrew, Adrian Lim, Rachel, Amanda and not to forget Wey Yiing (from my class 2004) were all my inspiration to study harder… I’m glad that there were in my class, guiding me while I go, indirectly bugging me to do my homework and get serious about my studies. The teachers DJ had were all very caring, special thanks to Pn. Sally (my accounts teacher), Pn Shasha, Pn Cecilia (gave me hell of a shit but yeah, I thank her too), Mr Chia, Pn Chooi, Pn Chen and Pn Hamizan. They were all very nice people and care about their students allot.

I have a list of people I have to thank after I get my SPM results. And most of these people are from DJ. Most people know DJ as a place where chiqs are born. But nah, I believe there are allot of chiqs that aren’t just chiqs. They have a special quality in each one of them and you’ll know what I mean if you get close enough to one of them. They maybe pretty looking and all on the outside but once you look inside them, you’d know what I mean.

Of cause there’s a few rotten apples among these chiqs and if you accidentally bite into one of them, well, that’s your luck lar… haha, cause I bit into two of them actually… >.<>

Spiritualism

A way of life then I named it myself. If you search it up the net and all, you’ll find that the definition isn’t a kind of way of life. This is what it means in Oxford dictionary (edited and shortened).

Spiritualism
1. The belief that the spirits of the dead can communicate with the living, esp. through mediums.
2. Philos. the doctrine that the spirit exists as distinct from matter or that spirit is the only reality (cf. materialism).

But my definition of it will be what I’m going to write out for today. (A favor to ask from all my readers, PLEASE write a comment on what you think about it, it’s very important for me to get other’s opinion for my knowledge is VERY limited as I’m only 18 this year. Allot of things are yet to come and yet to learn. And I hope to accelerate my learning progress by listening to other’s advises)

Yes, I came out with this word myself, unaware of its presents in the dictionaries. Early this morning, 3.40am, 2/2/05 (Wednesday) I finally had the answers to my questions. Not all yet, but at least most of it. This was after the chat with Mrs. Farah (Yes, Faisal’s mother… LOL, I met her online using Faisal’s msn account. She couldn’t sleep too, and was waiting for the football match).

I went up tired and worried that I couldn’t wake up in the morning. So I turned on the air-con (edited from "air-conditioner" because it has a link to some lame brand that we Malaysians don’t know and I would rather not have it on my blog… -_-”) and prepared myself for bed. At that juncture, I was thinking about my life, as usual, thinking about all those religions my friends has, wondering is there really god, or is there like 1000 gods like the Hindus. Or maybe there isn’t anyone up there just like what the free thinkers have in mind. Or maybe there’s another religion out there that suits me perfectly.

After like 10 minutes or so thinking about it (while practicing my song… LOL [read the previous post]) I finally came to a conclusion. A very vague one but it’s what I believe for now. And I will hold on to it like how my other friend hold on to their religions, but some things differ this “religion” from others.

First of all, I don’t call it a religion, but a way of life that one practices. It doesn’t have a god to worship, but a companion that can be trusted and respected. It doesn’t have any points that go against any others but symbiotically merges with all other religions. It doesn’t have a statue to prey upon but a mirror to look at you and pray for yourself. And the list goes on. At this, I wish for my readers to contact me if they’re serious about adapting this new way of life I discovered if it interested you or had grabbed your attention some how.

Yes, I believe there’s a higher form of being that created every single one of us. Call it God, call it Jesus, or call it Allah. That does not matter to me for to me, it’s just there and it can’t be described by our normal language. But what I think best describes it is a Guardian Angel. You can say I believe everyone of us has a Guardian Angel that talks to us, give us mini signs that he/she exist, communicates with us at very special moments. And makes us feel its presents hoping that you, one day would realize it exist since you were born, before you were born, and the lives u had before this one.

He/she has always been waiting for you to accept him/her into your life. He/she has been patient for years and years or even centuries! Until finally one day, one of his fellow friend, accepts him (I believe in reincarnation, so before this life we are having, we had actually lived many lives. And we are known to be companions to these fellow “Guardian Angels” that created us, over and over again, hoping that one day you’ll realize its existents. Or become one with them.) .

Accepting him/her is one thing, being one with them is another, if my knowledge does not defy me, Christians believe that they have to accept God’s presents before there are accepted in heaven. This is totally sensible to me; the phrase “accepted in heaven” is metaphoric to me. Accepted in heaven is interpreted by me as “will die in peace and his soul will be reincarnated to a better being and live happily in his next life”.

This whole concept has its own metaphor. What I believe for now is that every one of us is destined to do good, to help others, to “save the world from evil”. In what ever way you say it, the general term is “to help others in need of help and not create any harm of any sort to any beings unintentionally” I believe this is the universal term that can be applied to all religions and beliefs. No matter how bad a person is, I believe, he was never born that way. His core was meant to do good. It’s just that he lost it. Confused in his own world, waiting for someone to enlighten him. And if he doesn’t find one in this life time, he will not “be accepted in heaven” and “goes to hell” (I rather interpret it as reincarnated into a lower being, like a dog, cat or even a bird.). But this doesn’t mean he’ll be sad, angry and confused all this life. There are still chances that he will find happiness, just that he needs to try harder then others.

I believe that all of us have the chance of finding happiness in this world no matter what we are. A dog? Or even a worm. There are happy dogs around, so are sad dogs… worms are harder to tell whether it’s happy or not simply because it shows no expressions. But take for example, an ant. Some ants when u stomp your feet in front of it, it will run for its life. Afraid of losing its life, but some, it will just simply touch you with its antennae then either work over your leg or around it. This is what I call a happy ant, innocent and pure, sometimes stupid. But at least it’s content with what he has, and not afraid of losing anything at all.

That early morning, my Guardian Angel gave me another sign that he/she exists. And this time, I caught it. I can’t explain in words what the sign was, or how I did it, it’s just there. I saw it, and I felt him/she beside me, above me, in me. Looking at me, guarding me like a tombstone to a grave. Not that I like that description too well… LOL yeah… that’s the best I can do. And I named it Lucy. Well, I don’t know whether it’s a girl or a guy, but he/she kind of told me he/she wanted that name. You can say I made it up, or it was just a random thought. But after that night, I will never again believe in coincidence. Random thoughts have their reasons to it. And coincidences are never randomized. I believe these things don’t happen naturally, but it happened for a reason. And it’s ALWAYS a good one, planed by our “Guardian Angels”.

I’m glad that Lucy finally decides that I’m mature enough to let me feel his/her presents and from this day on, I will try my best to understand him/her, him/her objectives, him/her reasons why he made me, or even why he/she does the things he/she does. And hopefully someday be One with them. I realized that many religions actually talks about being One with God himself as well. I forgot which religion, but I do remember reading in my history text or revision books saying that some religions’ Kings are One with the God.

That night, is a night to remember… 2/2/05 was the day I accepted my “Guardian Angel” acknowledging his/her presents and will try my best to make him/her proud and not fail him in any way. I trust he/she will guide me true my life and never let me down too. That night is an important night in my life and I will remember it for the rest of my life. From today on I’ll do as much research as I can in this “Spirit That Created Me” and hopefully publish a book on it someday, but before that, I need to find out more about other people’s opinion of this and I will accept which ever advise or suggestions that are given to me sincerely. As I said before, my knowledge is VERY limited as I am still only 18 years old. I hope my readers understand what I’m trying to express here and would certainly be grateful if they contact me personally. I’ll stop here for now but do check this blog every now and then for I do update it pretty often. Lastly, I hope my readers enjoyed reading my blog this time for I have complains telling me to write in lines… LOL yeah, so this is what I did this time… hope its better… =)